Dealing with Fear of Rejection
October 2005

     Greetings once again my friends, I hope you are all having a rockin' summer out there and scoring some decent action for yourself.  I've got some exciting news for you this month.   It's been almost three years since Without Embarrassment first hit the Internet as an e-book way back in October of 2002.  All that time and almost from the beginning though, people have been asking me if they could please get their hands on a "real" paper-and-ink copy of the book.

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Well, I'm proud to finally announce that Without Embarrassment is now available as a 6"x9" softcover paperback "real book" -- 306 pages long, and complete with all the exact same great information as the e-book...  The Dominant Male Test, the Cayman Magic fictional pick-up lesson, and it even includes a genuine index this time around!

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One of the concerns I had when I first conceived of offering a printed book alongside an existing e-book that many customers had already purchased, was fair pricing -- specifically, how to price things so that the existing e-book buyers didn't feel cheated. After all, if you paid X dollars and got an e-book, which is just a file download after all, and now a real physical book is available for the EXACT same price, you'd feel like... "Hey, send me my friggin' book!" Therefore, I had to price this paperback version a few bucks higher than the current e-book version. Sure an e-book isn't as convenient a real book, but it was, and continues to be, cheaper. Follow my logic?

Hold on though... in order to add some extra value to every book that ships out of here and to sweeten the deal a little bit, I'm going to personally autograph, date and emboss each one as a Special Collector's Edition. So hey, who knows?... maybe your copy will be worth a fortune someday on E-Bay if I ever hit it big! ;-) There won't be that many of them out there, so they could actually appreciate over time.  (Now all I've got to do is get my ass on Oprah and sell a few million of them!)

Anyway, this whole thing is an experiment -- we'll have to see how things go and hope that it doesn't turn out to be more trouble than it's worth. E-books are a helluva lot easier to deal with on my end because there's no packaging and shipping involved. But I wanted to do this because there seemed to be a bit of a rumbling and grumbling for it over the years, and I decided to accommodate as many customer requests as I could for a hard copy version.

Fortunately, these books are printed through a new computerized high-speed process called Print-On-Demand ( they look amazing! ), which means that I didn't have to invest in a 10,000 unit advance run totally on speculation only to watch them slowly turning into termite pulp in my garage. I can stock small quantities of the books and re-order them as I need to. This amazing new printing technology is what really makes it possible for me to be doing this at all.

Anyway, here's the link if you want to check out what these new books look like (with a more discreet new cover as well, I might add):

http://www.highstatusmale.com/collectors.htm

See what you think, and we'll see how it goes. Incidentally, if you have already purchased an e-book version of Without Embarrassment, I even figured out a way to slip you a 20% discount off the listed price. Details can be found on the same page.

Now... on to this months Reader Mail...

Two different guys had similar questions about making that vexing first
contact with a woman which I was able to address with a common
answer (expanded out into my usual rant for this newsletter). See what
you think of this:


Hello Mike,

I recently had a visit with my therapist and she gave me some new
insights regarding my fear of rejection. She says that the best way to
overcome shyness and fear of rejection was to ask as many women as
possible out for a date, and the more I got rejected the faster I would get
over the fear. I would like to know your opinion about this since you have
been in this situation before. I tried to cold approach this one woman I
encountered at the mall, but it turns out I just should have kept on
walking and minded my own business.

George


Mike,

I have your book Without Embarrassment and I have just a few questions
for you. Mainly, I don't know when or where to apply the techniques that
you've described! I have never been to a bar/club in my life, and I'm
really not into that scene, so where is the place that I can use your
techniques without looking like some kind of crazy asshole?

For example, any time that I actually muster up the guts to use a non-
verbal "let her catch me looking" technique, she ALWAYS looks away
less than 2 seconds later, which in turn makes me more nervous about
doing it again. Do you make eye contact with her for 5 seconds, then
look away for 2, then smile? Or do you smile immediately after second
1 or what? Don't you think that women figure only weird-o's do stuff like
this?

Whenever I go to the mall, I don't see other guys even sneaking a
glimpse at the women it seems. They walk by and act too cool to say
anything, so you might understand why I feel funny trying this stuff when
no one else seems to be doing it. Also, the other thing is, every time I
see a really hot chick I'm always at a loss for words. Now-a-days no
one breaks the ice by saying, "Hello, my name is John Doe, what's
yours?" That's uncool, retarded, and just the antithesis of smooth. So
how in the world am I supposed to talk to someone I don't even know? I
understand the process involves making some "witty or clever" remark
about the current situation you are in with the girl and including them in
the comment, but I still seem to be at a HUGE loss for how to begin.

Help please!



George, what your therapist described for you is called "desensitization"
therapy -- a process whereby you keep re-exposing yourself to a
stressor that's been creating an unreasonable fear within you in an
attempt to exhaust your brain's response to it... until you simply STOP
being afraid. This can work on anything from fear of heights and spiders
to fear of rejection, but it takes a lot of determination, time and effort to
accomplish properly. A program like this has to be approached as a
long-term self-improvement project that you must make a serious
commitment to achieve -- sort of like a diet & exercise push to lose 50
pounds by Christmas. You have to start in the springtime, not in
November!

It's impossible to approach these sorts of things like some quick stunt
that you can pull off on a whim whenever you feel the urge to, and then
expect immediate results. This is a brutal way to attack any fear,
however. I'm not surprised she blew you off with it though, because
women tend to disregard a man's fear of asking a woman out on a date
as a mostly bullshit issue (I'd like to see them try it), and so they usually
offer up simplistic sort of "just do it" advice. They have no concept of the
life-damaging consequences of this problem. Let me give you some
different ideas that might make things easier for you.

Look guys, the "system" that I teach for meeting women is really more
like fishing than it is hunting. By that I mean you take steps to improve
your look, style, behavior and attitude in a way that suggests you are a
guy who has something on the ball and/or is going places in life. This all
serves to elevate your "male status" (as measured against other typical
guys) in such a way as to attract the attention of women around you.
The big idea here is to GET ONTO THEIR RADAR SCREENS and stop
being so damn invisible. This little change, this pre-recognition, can
make it a hundred times easier to take a chance on trading a few words
with a girl that you didn't know only moments ago -- as opposed to
having to pull up an enormous amount of courage in order to get up into
the grill of some chick who couldn't even care that you exist. Who
needs that kind of stress? This is supposed to be fun!

You always want to draw signals of interest from women and do it
wherever you happen to be in your daily travels, as your sort of "modus
operandi" -- rather than go trekking off on these mall missions with the
idea of staring them down with some kind of precision eye contact or
running a hypno-pattern on them like a snake charmer. In everyday
life situations, our normal "look away" reflex prevents any sort of
extended eye contact with most strangers anyway. Romantically
significant eye contact between men and women occurs mostly in
situations where a background social "pass" exists, such as at parties
and nightclubs. Otherwise it's difficult to pull off this type of non-verbal
signaling. This is one of the misunderstandings in my book that I
need to correct in future revisions as I don't think I explained this
adequately enough, and for this do I apologize. Catching eye contact
alone is not a street technique... it has to occur in the context of you
having already shown up on her radar screen.

Maybe all this stuff would be clearer if we took a step back and looked at
the entire picture in a more philosophical sense instead of being so
focused in on all this "minutia of technique". Stop and think for a
moment what you're actually doing here. You're a salesman trying to
sell a product, and that product is YOU. How best to sell any product?
Well, if you can, you offer some kind of free sample or a test drive, right?
In our case, we want to show off what our personality is like, what sort of
character or type of guy we are. Call it a PERSONALITY SAMPLE if
you will. So whenever you're out and about and in the proximity of a
cute woman who interests you, you'll always want to be demonstrating
just a little bit of what you're like, what kind of guy you are... adventure
seeker, science nerd, tough guy, spacey dreamer, artistic / musical
lover, down-to-earth working man, harmless lovable fuzz-ball, funny-joker
guy, go-go business dude, yada, yada, yada... like that. Do it with
dress, style and attitude.

What I'm saying is... don't hide what you are all about behind some fake
persona, advertise it! "Free personality samples here... take one!" This
way you'll only draw in those women who dig your style of guy, which
are the ones who will ultimately make the best lovers/girlfriends/wives
anyway. Not some bitch who feels like she got sold one thing and
ended up with something different, and now she wants a refund!... (and
will make your life miserable until she gets it by trying to CHANGE you
into whatever she thinks you ought to be...) Look, you can't be
everything to everyone and be universally desired, it just ain't possible.
You have to select what naturally suits your demeanor and life interests
and BE that guy (the Bait), drop your hook in the water, and see which
fish come nibbling.

THOSE are the women that you can then take the next step in pursuing
with a lower risk of being rejected (but not zero, it's never zero). Two
additional things here: 1) there's a built-in compatibility factor (hey, just
like e-harmony! ;-) and, 2) it's EASY to be confident and thus show off
your best HSM game when you know you're shooting at fish in a barrel...
i.e., by working a girl who seems to dig you right from the start.

"But Mike, I don't LIKE the kind of women that tend to like me... they're
all fat and ugly..." Boo hoo hoo, then change your fucking sales pitch
and stop working the bottom of the food chain! This stuff is all under
your control, so get to work experimenting and changing and upgrading
whatever about yourself that you must in order to begin showing up on
the radar screens of the types of women that you desire. I can't give you
a fashion makeover through a string of words or put scripted dialogs in
your mouth because I can't anticipate the type of culture you live in or
the situations and women that you'll encounter. YOU have to use your
own brain and work out these types of specifics on your own. Writers
like myself can only give you guidance and offer suggestions based upon
our own life experiences. I haven't been everywhere and done everything
yet (I'm working on it), so you will need to use your own ingenuity to fill
in all those gaps that I couldn't anticipate for you.

Okay, so we showed up on her radar, now what? Next, you must be
AWARE of the signals that interested women are sending you and
respond to them appropriately. I've found that awareness is a very big
problem with a lot of guys who have limited experience with women...
they are simply clueless as to when they are being signaled by a
woman! Humans negotiate closeness by employing a large variety of
non-verbal signals, eye contact certainly being one of the most powerful
among them. But women are usually very careful only to signal those
men who really interest them, and sometimes only in situations where
people are normally socializing and feeling free to do so (given a "pass")
such as parties and clubs, as I mentioned earlier. In these types of
situations reading the eyes, timing a look-away lag, etc. is a useful skill
to have. More than that however, is simple awareness. Stop being such
an "awareness zombie"... WAKE UP!

Alright then, if her signals seem favorable, THAT'S the time to try and get
her number or e-mail (slam those digits right into your cellphone memory
before you forget them), a coffee date, or just offer her your own card
with some contact into on it. Here's a neat trick: make up your own
business cards (use those Avery 10-up cards) that proclaim you as
being a teaching "expert" or practitioner of something that you're either
good at or enjoy doing as a hobby. You like to jet ski? Well... it now
seems that you TEACH jet-skiing. Lessons available... imagine that!
(And, she can have her complimentary first lesson if only she'll give you
her number...)

My own card proclaims that I'm a freelance writer and web designer. I
only write for myself of course and don't really market these services, but
the mousey little bookworm types that I dig are impressed! You fly light
airplanes? Scenic rides available! Are you a great swimmer?
Swimming lessons, personal tutoring. Like to workout? Personal
training, first lesson free. Of course, all this stuff is only available if you
happen to be a hot chick! The old fat guy who wants to learn salsa
dancing and ran across one of your cards on a public billboard is in for a
rude surprise.

What I'm trying to say is, be proud of whatever you are and use it to
build up your apparent male status via a style and attitude projection
that's uniquely yours... and start getting noticed. Don't be one of these
wishy-washy, "I-don't-know-what-I-want-from-life" sort of dopes that floats
through life bouncing along aimlessly like a turd through a sewer pipe.
Use you head, have a goal, get some purpose and determination and get
to work solving whatever social problems that you are currently
experiencing. Use some of these ideas I'm presenting to develop a
work-around for whatever you feel your current personal shortcomings
might be.

Let me also make it clear that when I talk about doing any of these
things I mean it within the context of repeated exposure, not this instant
pick-up crap. Forget about trying to deliver some kind of super-clever
"pick-up" rap to a stone-cold stranger out on the street, this idea is royal
bullshit for most of us who aren't already Naturals. Guys who possess a
naturally smooth rap with girls just generally flirt with women very
flagrantly anywhere and everywhere they find them and FORCE a
reaction out of them -- there are no "secret words" to practice in front of
a mirror that can turn any old schlep into an instant player. It takes a
clear head, courage, and an awareness of the effect you're having on the
people around you, and how you appear to them (self-image).

Think I'm kidding? Then really stop and consider the entire notion of the
cold approach for a moment. What you're trying to do is "stun" some
girl who is a perfect stranger into feeling enticed enough by your sudden
appearance to agree to some immediate get-together or a date in the
near future. She's got to be willing to TRUST that you're not some slick-
talking psycho killer (or just a plain old needy pain-in-the-ass stalker),
and either agree to give you her contact info (and even handing over an
IMC chat handle can be a risk since your physical address can be
hacked from it) or agree to accompany you somewhere RIGHT THAT
MOMENT. Wow!... that's a tall order. And how do you plan to go about
stunning her? With your GQ looks? Great physique? Or maybe you're
a famous movie star and you can just stun her by showing up! Most of
us are just average Joe's who don't have any super-special qualities that
can attract women to us like flies. We need to work at it in a more
gradual sense.

What I'm getting at here is that you will most likely have to GRIND
THEM DOWN SLOWLY with repeated exposures to your personality
sample before you can begin to see those precious signs of return
interest that we're looking for -- which is why your best chances are
always going to be found in situations like school, work, neighborhood
bars, local restaurants, etc. where you have an opportunity to build a
connection over the course of several encounters. It's all about busting
onto her radar, establishing a connection, building trust, and most of all
MODELING the types of behaviors (upbeat, sexy, flirtatious, joking, etc.)
that you want the girl to REFLECT back to you. She will pick up on your
vibe, and if she runs with it then you know you've got a nice little bite on
your line, right?

Hello?... are you even paying attention? Or don't you even THINK about
any of this stuff unless you're out on one of your Special Forces Mall
Missions? Well turn off your nightvision scope for a moment and look
around you... this stuff is going on all the time, IF you're giving away a
free personality sample that maybe 20%-30% of the female population
digs... and keeping your antenna tuned in for any return hits!

This, my friends, is how the game is best played Without
Embarrassment! (Sorry, I couldn't resist...)

And now, one final wildcard in regards to receiving that return GO signal:
sometimes you won't get one EVEN IF SHE'S INTERESTED IN YOU!
That's right, after all I've just told you, you've sometimes just got to go
ahead and act in the complete absence of these precious signals if you
really want a shot at that ONE particular girl that you've missile-locked
on. I've talked to many of my friends about this who tell me that their
current girlfriend or even wife continued to give them the cold shoulder
UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY ASKED HER OUT... then (to their amazement)
not only did she agree but did so enthusiastically! As in, "why did it
take you so long to ask me out, you dummy?". I believe this is because
pushing through apparent disinterest is a TEST that a lot of women run
to see who the really interested guys are, AND which ones have enough
HSM balls to muster up the courage to make that scary first social
move! They're not REALLY interested in you unless you can pass this 
unannounced test. Nice, eh?

This means that sometimes you just have to throw caution and reason to
the wind AND DO IT ANYWAY! This, my friend, is the wacky and unpredictable
world of women... and why you can never really know just how close to
scoring you ever actually are until you open up your mind and mouth and
find out. Maddening, I know, but that's the checkerboard we're playing on.

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Much of the mail I get from guys all over the world still demonstrates an incomplete understanding of many of these key "Male Display" attributes. So I highly recommend this informative new e-book as a way to round-out your total "HSM" education and clear up any misunderstandings that you might still have about the way in which you need to ACT AND SHOW ATTITUDE in order to begin capturing the interest of the women around you. Remember, the plan is always to lure them in close with a rockin' male display and then charm the hell out of her!

So there you have it. Hopefully, some of these ideas will get you off the dime and on your way to a smokin' hot Fall / college season with the babes.

Remember, as always there are lots of free eats at my site... informative articles, over 100 forum letters submitted by ordinary guys like yourself from around the world (and of course, answered by yours truly... ;-) -- along with my latest recommendations of valuable new seduction and dating books.  No passwords needed... just come on in and pig out.

That's it for now. Keep Flirting and Stay Confident.

Later.

Mike Pilinski
Author "Without Embarrassment"
& "She's Yours for The Taking"