Mike...

Before reading your book I had already read stuff by Maniac High and Ross Jeffries, so I'm not totally clueless about courtship.  I'm fairly good looking and am confident enough to talk to girls.  I have had luck going on "dates" with girls multiple times, but never knew about escalating until I read your book. 

Now about this particular girl I have an interest in... she lives in the same boarding house as me (I'm on the first floor, she's on the fourth), is about 5 years older than me and is very attractive.  I haven't had a chance to try the post-fuck visual on her yet, but I've made good impressions on her so far as an HSM and never said anything to look like an LSM.  I've only met her a handful of times however.  She has given me what I think are go signals before, but I'm lost at how to approach her.  This is where the problem comes in.

She is a very busy person, so I almost never see her despite the fact that she lives here.  When I do see her, it's in the kitchen on the third floor where most of the students eat.  When the rare moment arrives that I get to actually eat dinner with her, there are usually others at the table.  I can't start my flirt because there are too many people around that interrupt.  Even if I did have a chance to flirt with her at dinner, I think it would be awkward for me to do it in front of the other people who we live with.  That raises another issue... I've pretty much overcome rejection, but that's because I don't usually ever have to see the girl that rejected me ever again.  In this case if this girl rejects me, I will see her again and again at dinner time to remind me what a horrible failure I was.

I just want to know how I should go about doing this.  If she was some girl I met at the library, I wouldn't hesitate to go up to her and get her number, but she lives in my boarding house.  I guess my biggest fear is looking like an ass in front of everyone.  If I could just talk with her alone at a coffee shop for an hour I know I have an excellent chance of wooing her.  I can't knock on her door at random and ask her nor can I do it during dinner time.  How should I approach her?

Gary


Hi Gary,

If you don't want to ask her out in front of others, then you'll just have to think up some plan to break her away from the crowd for a moment or two.  Maybe using a buddy can help somehow?  Time to use your ingenuity here, that's what I mean by the ability to think on your feet (all seducers must find a way to isolate their prey).

Here's what's really important though, never feel horrible about a rejection IF you did everything that you could to keep things classy and proper on your end of the deal.  No HSM ever apologizes for his desires as a man... there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of (as long as you don't fly off the handle and act like a complete asshole).  If she doesn't respond and rejects you, the HSM way is to just roll over this crap like it never happened.  Don't pout, get pissed, ignore her, or engage in any other type of LSM behavior -- or it will only confirm that she made the right call by blowing you off in the first place.  What you want to do is be gracious and continue to interact with her in order to paint just the OPPOSITE picture of yourself, and make her regret having rejected you!

Now, watch for her to begin signaling that she wants a second chance.  When you get that kind of action, you're in control of the situation again and on much safer ground with her.  Act fast (passions slip away quickly if un-fanned) and you should be able to get a smoking date with her.  You've already demonstrated your interest, and now she's had time by herself to mull it over. Women are famous for changing their minds.

You have to act like none of this is any big deal to you because you do this stuff all the time. Misfires are just temporary setbacks -- not life-destroying events that shatter your confidence and insure more of the same in the future.  That's the type of HSM attitude that you always want to carry with you for all your life.  Nurturing this attitude is more important than any single event of approach/rejection.

Hi Mike!

Here I am 26 years old and still a virgin.  I can't get rid of the self image which tells me that I'm not boyfriend material, and somehow I feel inferior to other men.  I'm not being treated as equal among men who are more successful with women and physically stronger then I am.

It seems that I suffer from a kind of social phobia.  I have fear of contact with people.  For example, I'm very nervous when I go to the store to the point where I start to stutter and speak in that ugly submissive voice.  The question is - how do I change all this -- how can I defeat fear?  Do you have a suggestion how could I reframe my thinking and my self-image?

Thanx my friend, 
Robert


Hey Bob,

Well, you ask the million dollar question; how to defeat fear?... a primal emotion that holds us in a mostly neurochemical grip that can be made worse by the actions of the conscious mind.  Any program that helps individuals confront phobias (and social phobia is as real as any) always focuses on gradual exposure to increasingly stronger episodes of that person's worse fear (desensitization) in an attempt to convince the mind of the harmlessness of the stimulus -- which is always far less that perceived.  But perception is reality, if it's real for your mind, then it's real... period.  You can use techniques like NLP, that are mechanistic and promise fast results, but it all comes down to changing the thinking of your unconscious mind. 

As for your actions around women, you've fallen into a pattern of poor thinking habits and ineffective ways of interacting with them based on your fears.  What you need to do is act in a way that demonstrates both to the woman and to your unconscious mind that you are not afraid to show off your feelings.  Next time you get a chance with a girl anywhere, turn, smile and say something like this: "Hi, my name is Bob... I think I saw that (necklace, dress) on the cover of a magazine the other day, it really looks terrific on you."

Something that you would never say ordinarily.  Something that shocks your unconscious, and changes it's self-view.  It doesn't even have to go any farther than that.  Just flirt and walk away.  It's training.  If you do this enough times, one day something will snap over like a light switch in your brain, and you will suddenly feel acting in this fashion to be "normal".  At that point your fear doesn't really exist in the same way it did before.  It's less focused, weaker.

Until you do this sort of homework you will never see any real change in yourself -- even if you find a way to force change, you will always find yourself slipping back into old habits and patterns.  That's because the unconscious will gradually guide you back towards the reality that it is comfortable with.  That it believes in.  You can't talk to this part of the human mind, you have to show it.  Demonstrate for it.

Hey Mike, its great to talk to you.  Good job on the e-book!  I especially like the story you made up at the very end illustrating the important points in the book in a practical scenario.

One of the things that I keep thinking about on which you touched on briefly....is the concept of love. You say that love does not happen when you are together with the girl...but when you are away from her.  When you are away thinking about the person that has showed you affection.  Also, compliments linger in the mind of the beholder?  I find this fascinating.

So you're saying that if somehow you knew how to compliment her in a certain way that she will really remember it... then THAT is the trigger to make her fall in love with you?

Your fan,
Pauly


Hey Pauly,

It isn't just a compliment per se, but the totality of the impression that you made on a woman that gets her thinking about you and developing a fondness for you while you're apart.  Try to set her head to spinning a bit with your charm and HSM vibe, but just tease her with it and don't get too self-revealing right away.  She'll be running all this stuff over in her mind between the time she saw you and your next encounter.  It's during that time she builds you up in her head as a kind of fantasy lover.  The important thing is to realize this is happening and then to keep the fantasy going next time you see her by escalating a bit... ask her out, kiss her, give her a small gift like earrings, whatever.  This is how you slowly build up the spell, the trance of romance I talk about in the book. 

I have a shy personality, lack communication skills and don't have much sense of humor... shouldn't I be doing something like buying a woman gifts to give her a reason to be with me?

Your fan,
Raymo


Hi Raymo,

Buying stuff for women isn't going to compensate for all those qualities that you believe you're lacking.  Women are only thrilled to receive gifts from those men that are already beginning to make an emotional connection with them.  Conversely... they resist accepting gifts from guys who haven't begun to make any sort of connection yet.  In fact, they are made uncomfortable by this kind of behavior because they understand the guy is just trying to "force" her into liking to him.  This usually makes them want to avoid you in the future, since you have made them feel somewhat obligated by your gift (If they actually decided to accept it). 

In a nutshell, women hate getting gifts from guys who haven't ignited a spark in them with their words and actions first.  It's big time LSM behavior.

Giving gifts (a dowry) to obtain women is how a man used to buy another man's daughter from him in the past when he needed a wife.  That's back 100's of years ago when women were bought and sold as chattel.  Our job as men is far tougher today because we have to make a sales presentation with "us" as the product!  This is romantic courting... it's how it's done nowadays.  The journey forces us to come out on the other end far stronger mentally and spiritually than our wife-buying forefathers could've ever dreamed possible.

Mike,

I often play pool and there are hot waitresses that make the rounds and take drink orders.  I'd like to talk with them but don't know what to say.  I was wondering if you had any advice.  I don't want to say "What's your name?" or "You been working here long?" or something lame like that. 

Kazoo

Hi Kaz,

Spot something about their look or personal style that seems a bit unusual and give them a little compliment about it.  An odd piece of jewelry or a tat or something.  Avoid the usual "your beautiful" bullshit.  Say something like: "Hi, my name is Kaz... I was just admiring your earrings, it the day to run into a woman with style."  Women eat this stuff up, even though many are too cool to show it.  Stay confident, smile, good eye lock all the while.  This communicates your romantic interest in her non-verbally and keeps you out of the "too shy to say anything" zone.  If she comes back all bright and bubbly for the next round buy her a shot, you've got a nibble on the line.

Hi Mike,

Ok... I have to be the 525,402,150th guy who fucked up and let a relationship with a girl he really likes turn into a platonic friendship (exactly what you describe on page 85, "The Zone of Discomfort").

Me and this girl are coworkers, we both work for a mid-size custom software development firm.  We both know each other since college, and I have always had some type of crush on her, but I have been taking her a bit for granted all this time. I always thought I would tell her how I felt about her, and about all the plans I've been cooking about the rest of our lives together, and shit like that.  Now the problem is that she got tired of waiting, and she started dating this complete ASSHOLE! ...  And the whole thing is just driving me nuts!!

I understand it's MISSION IMPOSSIBLE to make a girl change her mind about guys that are considered to be friends.  But this is what leads us to my real problem -- I'm not sure if I'm considered JUST a friend by her.  Lately my antennas have been receiving signs that tell me she refuses to let go of our so called "friendship".  I understand this is happening because I have been trying to avoid any type of non-professional conversation with her, which for some reason gets her very sad.  And she does not seem to be very happy with her new relationship either.

I'd like to determine, by using some non-linguistic method.  I think I'm still too "Proud & Ashamed" to ask her directly if I'm still in the game.  Should I keep my cool or just walk out?... because I think I'm being set up to be used as backup just in case her new boyfriend doesn't work out.

Regards,
Ben


Hi Ben

This is a situation I see a lot of, and that's why I try to pound home in the book the ultra importance of making your romantic interests in a woman known to her as soon as possible -- or you are going to lose out to the first sap that stumbles along and does exactly that.  Hanging around the edges of her world and believing that she must "get it" that you're interested in becoming her lover someday (when you get the courage to finally make a move) doesn't cut it.  She either doesn't "get it" or is simply unwilling to wait for such a low pressure, safe approach by a guy to someday bear fruit.

Here's the deal: right now a big imbalance between the two of you exists.  She has a social life and you (I'm assuming) don't.  This means that she now feels that she's advanced beyond you and that you are no longer on her level.

Imagine yourself, a computer whiz, trying to show your grandpa how to use the new DELL that grandma bought him for Xmas... how to use the mouse, pull down a menu, send e-mail, etc.  To you, gramps is like a child to you (in this arena), because your knowledge and experience are so far advanced beyond his.  You can't converse with him about computers to any serious extent like you would one of your hacker buddies until he gets more experience and up to speed on the whole universe of computers.  You cannot view him as an equal to yourself until then.

Well, you are the clueless "grandpa" now in the social arena with this girl, and you need to get back up to her level if you wish to have any hope of courting her. You might already have been banished into the "friend zone" for all eternity anyway (my suspicion), but if you still want to give this a shot there's only one way to do it... you must find some other girls to date around with to at least give yourself the appearance of having a social life.  Then you can begin to engage her on an even plane at her more advanced level of social experience.

Maybe she'll get jealous and start to see you in a different light (girls don't want guys with no social lives as boyfriends... they want to steal some other girl's boyfriend). You need to get some activity going for yourself as this translates into a higher male status in the eyes of other women, and then you can get some of that mysterious game on yourself.  You can even trade a few war stories about the people you're both dating, etc. and grow a new bond between you. 

Until then she'll use you for a crying shoulder and a place to vent her bitching, but you'll NOT be considered a potential lover in her eyes.  You've been in a safe cocoon with this girl... Mr. Jerk-o busted into your world and lit a fire under your ass.  Now you've got to channel that energy into playing some catch-up ball, because while your nose has been buried in those C++ books your social skills (if you ever had any) have withered. 

Hello Mike,

I had some spare time today, so I decided to arrange it so that I just happened to "bump into" this girl I like from night-school at the food court of a local mall.  With tray in hand, I approached, smiled and said "hi" and asked to join her table.  Her two kids were with her (7 and 4 yrs. old).  We talked for about 15 or 20 minutes, and covered lots of topics.  The conversation was not strained at any time, and she asked lots of questions of me as though she were truly interested (i.e.: about my work, travels, etc).  I put my hand on her shoulder when I made the original approach, but did not touch/grope any further during the conversation.  Lots of smiling and eye contact though.  Felt kinda bad tho, because I was stealing the attention away from her kids who looked kinda bored.  I tried to involve them, but they were shy and not very talkative.

When she started making motions to leave (like gathering up her purse and belongings), I said, "We should get together over coffee tomorrow and help each other study for our test Monday night" (french class).  She smiled and appeared somewhat smitten, but then said she had lots of cleaning to do while her kids were with their Dad for a visit.  So suggested the evening.  She said "OK, let's meet up at Chapters (book store) at 6:00 PM, but if one of us can't make it..." and she kinda shrugged her shoulders.  I said, "Well, how about we trade numbers?"  She smiled and replied something to the effect of, "well....let's just leave it like this for now."  I didn't get a number.  Although female responses always puzzle the hell out of me.  Is this a positive or negative exchange, do you figure?

Do I concentrate on the studying/homework aspect of this get together, or make it obvious that it was just a ploy to see her alone?  Should I continue full steam ahead, or coast for a while?  And should I ask at the end of the meeting, "so would you like to exchange numbers/e-mail now?", or try to arrange for another chit-chat without asking for her number?  Am I showing too much interest right now, and coming across too strong?

All the best,
Dan


Hi Dan,

I'll tell you what the buzzword is with this woman... caution.

I've dealt with women who are on the rebound with kids.  The most important thing in their life IS their kids, and any man coming into her life must be willing to accept them without question.   And her fear right now is that no man will really be willing to do that.   She doesn't trust men, plain and simple, especially since she's been hurt by her ex no doubt.   She views any guy like yourself sniffing around her with the utmost suspicion as a "player" who just wants to bag her and then beat it out the door as fast as he can.   She doesn't need to ever deal with guys like you, she thinks.   And not only that, she could've convinced herself that she doesn't need any guy, PERIOD.   You have a tough hill to climb with this one -- and that job will mainly be to win her trust.   She is in a place where she will have a hard time trusting any man now.  Damaged goods.

It's great that you have a son of your own.  She'll at least consider taking a guy like you into her life because you'll seem to understand her own life more than some single "party" guy would.   She would also like to have a male friend in her life, but doesn't know if she can trust one as a lover.   The half-n-half signals coming from her that you're having trouble reading are due to this internal conflict, no doubt.

This type of woman will make you prove yourself by throwing up roadblocks and being standoffish towards your efforts to escalate a relationship every step along the way.   She's going to test your patience and raise her "price" far beyond what any chump who just wants to bang her and flee the scene would be willing to pay.   All these blocks are designed to discourage that guy who's only after some quick tail.

Her initial resistance to these first moves you're making are only the opening volley my friend, more awaits you.   Prepare to be further confused as you move deeper into her "test".   She knows you're interested, but that's not good enough.   She needs to know if you're really interested... in the whole package.   She wants to see if you're committed enough to getting her into her life that you're willing to move forward despite the absence of any clear positive signals from her.

At this meeting I would just lay it on the line and say that you're interested in dating her.   Flush her out into the open.   Here's what you're going to get: a big lecture on how her kids are the center of her life, that any man in her life will have to accept that or hit the road, yada-yada.   Also, don't expect her undying attention -- ever -- so you better not be some needy possessive jerk.

What you need to think about is NOT if and when you should ask her out (just clear the air and do it), but how you are going to answer the barrage of "trustworthiness" questions that you're going to get hammered with once you do.   Whether or not she tentatively agrees to begin seeing you will depend upon how much she feels she can trust you to come into her life and 1) accept her and her life/kids, and 2) not hurt her like her ex just finished doing.   The game has deeper issues to contend with once you get involved with a woman who's moved onto the motherhood phase of her life, and then busted into single motherhood.

What sorts of questions are good ways to introduce rapport and romance?   I've asked girls out on coffee dates, but once I go out on the date I can't really seem to build any emotional connection.   First, it's hard to find a good opportunity to touch her, especially if we are seated across from each other at a table at a coffee shop.   Should I try to touch her before we sit down, or should I be taking my dates someplace else, or what?   Second, I have a hard time steering conversations toward subjects that could build an intimate connection.   Should the first kiss come during a lull in the conversation, at the end of the night, or what?   Do you really think I'll know when the moment for a first kiss arrives? 

Thank you for any advice you might have, your book is much better than the others on the net!

Gary


Hi Gary,

What you want to do is get her talking about things that she can feel an emotional connection to... past events that are significant to her, hopes & dreams, happy recollections -- instead of just topical events like "did you see the latest movie", or whatever.   And then you must do the same in response. As an example, suppose the topic meanders around to something about the good times you both used to have growing up.   Ask her what it felt like when she got her first hit in the girls softball league, or who showed her how to fly a kite for the first time... her dad maybe?   Share old memories like this together and try to evoke warm feelings -- it's the intimacy of the emotions that will get the bonding process started, which will get her thinking about you when she's all alone as a potential lover and not merely friend material. 

You can always find a moment to touch her -- even just touching the small of her back as you're leading her through a door or helping her on with her coat can be enough.   Make sure to keep good eye contact while doing it so that she picks up on the underlying non-verbal statement you're making (it's the deep look that communicates your desires).   Another great move is to fondle a necklace charm she's wearing and compliment her on it, or ask her what significance it has to her, or what it means if the charm is some odd symbol or something.   This gets you standing face-to-face with her and invading her personal space just a little -- solid eye contact here can tell the whole story without a word.

You'll always know when that first kiss moment is at hand... the two of you are close and she's staring into your eyes, waiting for it.   Her eyes may even close slightly and she may tilt her head back ever so delicately in anticipation.   Do it at the climax of any close moment that the two of you share, not necessarily at the end of the evening.   That tends to put expectancy pressure on and ruins it.   The spontaneity is what excites her and gets those deeply hidden urges in her stirred to life.

Romantic talk differs from normal on-the-surface bullshit talk because it always attempts to draw up deeper feelings that hold some positive fondness for the both of you sort of as it's "hidden" motive.   You then escalate upwards along from the first kiss > heavy kissing/petting > and eventually sex.

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