Mike,

Tonight I cried.  Yesterday was my 20th birthday. Tonight I was on the phone with a girl that I have been talking to ever since I was 15, -- a span of about 4 years, but ONLY on the Internet.  She's in another country.

In the past 2 years we've gotten really close, and yet it hurts so bad because she is the ONLY one I have.  And it hurts because sometimes I yearn for touch, and to just feel something REAL, yet the closest we can get is our voice on the phone.  And even then I close my eyes and try to make it feel so real.  We've got the "Let's not keep each other tied up, and allow freedom until we can meet" type of thing.  So she's gone out a few times, yet has stayed single for the longest time in her life because of me. 

Tonight she mentioned that, after graduation, she and her best friend -- AND two guys -- are all going off together on a road trip.  Because it's a 12 hour drive, they will be staying over at a hotel.  I find myself getting caught up in all these jealous emotions and other negative thoughts... and then the reality of my situation just hits me and I burst into tears.  I feel like such a loser. 

You see Mike, the only girl's I've ever "been" with are all on the net -- from the time when I was 14 years of age until now -- these girls that I became "net boyfriend and girlfriend" with have in one way or another made me cry.  The first one gave some guy a blowjob, the 2nd got pregnant, and the 3rd one found a boyfriend, had sex with him, and then decided to tell me only after I was already "in love" with her.  It's destroying me how I've never had any experience with any REAL girls... not even a single kiss.  Never a girlfriend.

Three different times I've laid awake alone in bed while my friend did his girlfriend in our hotel room on our trips, praying to God... "Lord, when will it be my turn..."  Three years I've walked around with friends while they were constantly busy on their cellphones with their girlfriends.  Just looking around and asking... when will I stop being so lonely... when will I be blessed with being able to so freely feel these wonderful emotions... the closeness, the love...  But I know that I PUSH it away because of the shame. 

I drove to the beach last night and walked on the path, praying to God each time that I would some day bring a girl with me... very often seeing people with a friend or lover while I walked alone. 

The lonely, quiet feeling walks along with me each night.

I don't know how to break past this wall. I want to be able to have more than just ONE girl that I am close to so that I do not cry and feel so lame when she tells me she's going off on a trip with a guy.  Arrgghh, as I typed that my chest got tight, and now I'm trying to hold back the tears...

I don't know if you've heard of "Somewhere I belong" by Linkin park...but these are the words

I wanna heal...
I wanna feel...
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere I belong
somewhere I belong...

Every area of my life is being affected by this.  I'm at rock bottom.  Please type back something comforting.  It's been 20 years of this bullshit suffering.  I wanna heal.

fallen,
Jerry



Hey Jer,

Where do I even begin with a guy like you?  A four year e-mail and phone "affair" with a girl from another country?  Are you kidding me... this thing had "hopeless" written all over it from the very start.  And you're saying that these are the only kind of "relationships" you ever have?  Your e-mail address says it all my friend, delusional is the word for you. (NOTE: the writer's e-mail address suggests that he lives in a permanent delusional state)

You don't need any more comforting words, what you need is a swift kick in the ass.  You lie awake listening while your buddies get laid in the same hotel room, wondering when it will be "your turn"?  It will be your turn when you wake up from your whimpering dream-state and begin to do the serious work -- and take the real social risks -- that it requires to have a real interaction with another real human being.

You sound to me you are wallowing in what psychologists call "learned helplessness"... a state where you take a completely submissive posture towards life and feel you can do nothing other than hope, wish and pray that good things will happen to you -- and then you lie around whining and complaining when the gods fail to smile upon you.  This is a totally ineffective way to deal with ANY aspect of your life, not just meeting women.  No one gives you nuthin' in life... you've got to go out there and steal a piece of it for yourself, and you have to fight for every last little goddamn thing that you have.  Period.  We fight Nature, we fight each other, we fight with our own demons.  We fight or we die.  Nothing on this planet would've ever been accomplished or built otherwise.

You seem to understand from my book about the problems created with hidden shame issues that control your responses to life.  That's great, but now you have to DO something about it. 

You begin by erasing all your delusions and getting a grip on yourself.  The next book I'm writing deals extensively with this sort of thing because I see too much of it, but I'll give you a little preview right here.

Basically, you have to start by dumping that "Carmen Electra" vision of your future girlfriend that I know you hold dear, and start working in the real world of genuine, flawed women -- and you have to start at the bottom.  That's right, the bottom.  You have to pay the social dues you've been running away from all your life.  I'm sure you've had shots at all sorts of women who didn't meet your high standards for whatever your imaginary lover should be like, and you let them pass you by because they weren't perfect enough.  But playing these chances for all they're worth is ultra-valuable as a learning tool, because they get you real world experience that will begin to break apart the unconscious fears and biases that are holding you back from making any real progress.  I know, you can't be bothered to learn like this... somehow you should just float to the top of the pile without doing any work.  And now you're in "pain" because reality and delusion refuse to match up.

Well at what point does your pain begin to exceed your fear?  THAT'S when you'll start the journey towards healing my friend.

Listen, these remote e-mail and chat encounters are pure bullshit and will get you nowhere.  I always advise guys to do as little e-mailing and phone yakking with women as possible because you need to be face-to-face with a woman in order to send her all those critical non-verbal signals of desire that get her juices flowing for you.  These powerful signals of 'male display' tap into parts of her primal mind that cannot be touched remotely.  Letters from afar DO build desire and always have, but only AFTER real passion from real-life encounters has already been established between a man and woman, NOT as a cowardly substitute way of creating that passion in the first place (by ducking your shame).

You've got to get some stank on your hang low -- plain and simple!  That's how you begin to get some game going for yourself and to get the correct attitude and vibe beaming out of you.  Your 5th girl from now is going to be that dream girl you'll be walking down the beach with someday.  But not now, you've got lots of work to do to get there.  You've got to get through 4 relationships (even if they're only one night stands) with some hogs and dogs before you're even remotely ready to meet her.  Shit-can the Internet as your socializing vehicle and get some real face-to-face skills!  Study the book for nuts and bolts advice on the mechanics of what you should be doing.  Reduce your arrogant standards and get busy or things will never change for you.  You MUST be proactive in life.

Sorry this wasn't the love letter you were expecting -- but fortunately Time is still on your side.  Think this thing will all work out for the best if you just stay the course, remain submissive to your shame and wait it out long enough?  Think again.  I get similar letters from guys in their 40's who are ready to drive off a cliff after a lifetime of frustration as a result of having pissed away most of their real chances in life with women... and all because they've remained in pursuit of this fantasy social partner who they haven't a clue as to how to go about finding -- and wouldn't know what to do with her if they DID anyway.

Hello,

I am a college student living in an apartment building.  Directly across the hall is this really cute brunette I'd like to hook up with.  The only time I pretty much ever see her is when she's going from her car to the front door or vice versa.  I tried to be proactive about at least letting her know I exist, so I set up a chair outside, and did my homework until she came out. (This was all before I read your book, BTW)

So when I saw her, I looked directly at her, smiled big, asked her name, introduced myself and gave her a firm handshake.  She was all smiles, and asked me if her hammering noise was bothering me (she was building a workspace).  I told her it did not, and then broke the conversation to go back to my homework (I was under the impression women like guys to seem busy).  Anyways, before she left, she hesitated before walking by, maybe as if she wanted to talk more?

I didn't get a chance to run into her until about a week later, when I saw her getting into a car as I was exiting the building.  I was sure to make eye contact and smile while waving at her, which she returned.  These 2 experiences are my only contact with her to date.

A week later (a day after I read your entire book) I am wondering what to do.  Where would you suggest I pick up with her next time we see each other?  I am thinking I need to get a positive reaction again and escalate it very quickly afterwards.  I don't want the window of opportunity to close on me, but at the same time, it feels somewhat delicate as she lives right across the hall - the whole "you don't shit where you eat" thing comes to mind.  Also, do you think the best approach would be just go out there and do homework some more and wait for her to come by?  Banging on her door sounds very sketchy to me.  Any input is greatly appreciated!

Thanks, love the book
Ken



Hi Ken,

In any situation where you can't really get a good read on a girl without first hanging yourself out there and making some kind of move, the problem is this... there are maybe a dozen different ways to make a play... but only ONE of them will actually work.  The others will make you seem uninteresting to her, or even a loser.  The dilemma is you have no way of knowing which one that is!

You might be the aggressive guy and just straight up and ask her out... you could just hang out there doing your homework and become the cute guy she sort of sees hanging around in the hall once in awhile who slowly grows on her... or you to become the wacky guy who kids around with her all time... the serious guy who's interested in the school work, and would only like to get together with her to study... the party guy who wants to invite her out to a keg party, or whatever.  See what I mean?  These are all ways to try and impress her with your personality in advance of asking her out (setting yourself up).  The problem is that only one, or maybe even none, of these is the one and that she's looking for in a guy.  It's kind of like a combination lock on a safe... only the right combination will work, but good luck trying to crack the safe!

Therefore, the only play you often have is a fairly high risk one where you're going to have to adopt an attitude that you date women on a regular basis and that it's no big deal.  This direct shot is the toughest one, but is also the one with the highest odds of success too, because boldness itself is a powerful HSM signal that can overcome other factors in her mind.  Remember those unconscious triggers?  You're operating blind here because you don't know if she has a boyfriend or is even interested in one, or even interested in dating around.  She might be just hooked into her school work and doesn't want any distractions.  Make sure you don't seem like you've been obsessing on her too, because that will creep her out and you're done.  Hey, this whole game carries some risk.

At your age it's hard to project any kind of high male status that doesn't have anything directly to do with physical power -- in other words... being an athlete, a star quarterback, like that.  You probably don't have much in a way of money or accomplishments or career to flash at women to make them select you over other guys.  But if you wait too long she may lose any initial interest that she has, and then when you DO try to ask her out she'll blow you off.  So you're stuck here -- you can't wait around too long scoping out the situation.  If you don't act soon it'll seem like it took you took long to scare up your courage, and that's bad.

That's why I would try to meet up with her again under any circumstance, even if it's artificial, and make a direct play.  That seems like your best shot to me. 

Hi Mike,

1. In close quarters (i.e. an elevator), you're definitely right, you can't make eye contact without looking strange; you just have to start speaking.  I guess the most intimidating part of close quarters' contact is that since you have to simply "start speaking", you can't wait for a "GO" signal and thus it's harder to approach without feeling that fear of rejection.  Do you agree with that, or would you say there was some possible way to wait for a "GO" signal when dealing with women in close quarters?

2. Is it a "GO" signal when a girl looks at you SEVERAL times but only very briefly each time?  I found this to be the case when I was on the bus a couple of days ago. A girl started briefly looking at me.  Every time she did so, I caught her gaze, she met it for maybe a second, and then looked away and returned to talking to her friend.  This happened six times, and I never initiated the staring; I only met her gaze (which she promptly broke off) after she looked at me.  Was that a "GO" signal?

3. I find that it's hard to draw eye contact from (1) very attractive women, or (2) while I'm looking at women as I'm walking down the street.  Perhaps that's because attractive women get hit on more often and so are more on their guard about being receptive to eye contact from a man.  Any suggestions on how to broach this problem, or is this just the way things are?

Thanks again. 
Jack



Hi Jack,

In close quarters just simply say hello and smile, her reaction will be the GO signal... either she holds some eye contact and reflects your smile or quickly looks away after a polite "hi" without much of a smile, uninterested.  It's all you can do when trapped in an elevator and really, perfectly acceptable social behavior so long as you don't press on in the face of a cool response (now you're harassing her...).

Many people have a quick "look away" reflex that they can't fight when someone catches them looking at them.  These repeated glances might be the best that she can do at extended eye contact.  It's a 50-50 risk for you if you want to open a verbal dialog in this situation, because you won't get a real strong signal from these types.

Hot girls complain that they never get any dates, and this is one reason why... because they attract so much attention from men they've learned how to chill them out almost automatically with zero eye contact all day long.  Then the ice queen bitches that she can't find any good men!  What they're really doing is filtering for only the most confident (HSM) type men who can bust through their aloofness, and there aren't a lot of these around.  If you want to play this game, you have to strive to become the top dog and move in the total absence of any signal whatsoever, because you simply won't get any.  High risk (of your ego) is the price for the high reward (hot chick) here.

Hi...Thanks for your e-mail services, they're awesome.  I know you're swamped with e-mails, so I'll make it toot sweet.  Had girlfriend.  She told me we should either break it off or date while seeing other people.  I said fine, let's break it off.  She was crying before you know it and said "...can I see you soon?"  I said bye.  Went to see her 3 weeks later on her birthday.  She ushered me out the door. 

Is there anything I can do to win her back?  I know... some would say let it go, but I don't want to!!!  Thank you so much for your time!

Will



Hey Will,

Arrrrrgh! is what I say to these kinds of questions!  

One of the tell-tale signs of the LSM is the kind of guy who puts all his romantic eggs in one basket... that is, he's holding some kind of flame for but a single, one-and-only hope for love/sex/romance... and that's it.  Not good.  It stinks of social scarcity and desperation no matter how you dress it up.  I know that it might sound extreme, but this is the kind of vibe you put out to all the women around you when you focus on just one woman, and go back and forth -- off and on with her like this.  My advice: I would either go back to her and tell her you'll give her one last chance to be with you, (assume the power position), or dump her ass for good.

An HSM always gives off the vibe that women are ABUNDANT IN HIS LIFE, and not a scarcity.  I can take 'em or leave 'em.  This is the kind of attitude that you can only get by dating around with several different women (even casually will do -- it doesn't have to involve sex) and not focusing obsessively on one girl like she's your one and only, last goddamn chance on earth.  This sexual "karma" attracts other women like magnets, since they feel like they want to be in on your "action" too.  It's the rich that always get richer in this world, understand?

Hi Mike.

First of all, I just wanted to say that your book makes so damn much sense!  I could never put a finger on so many of the things that you make crystal clear.  It's like somebody finally turned on a light switch.  It's a little scary to see what REALLY lies underneath a woman's thinking, but I can see that it all makes perfect sense now that I look at it the way you taught it.

I have a question for you that you must have gotten in the past.  What is your take on getting an ex back, especially if you broke up on bad terms?  She said "I can't believe I ever dated you", and made hints about how her new guy is so "secure" and "ambitious".  Even though his career makes a lot less than mine, he seems very outgoing and vibrant and I'm guessing he fits the bill of a high status male perfectly.

I want her back so bad I can feel it in my gut every day, and it's been 5 months since we split.  I'm in a lot of pain.  I made the mistake of trying to appeal to her in person (we've had been long distance for a year) by flying down there and getting down on my knees.  It only pushed her away - thanks to your book I know why... I was being completely needy; something that may have kinda worked in the relationship, but definitely was defeating after she had the idea that it was over.

I have a feeling I know what you're going to say - that I have no hope with this one - but, damn it, she was the best thing that's EVER happened to me.  I went to her country (New Zealand) and lived at her place with her parents for 6 months!  We had loads of good times, but then we had loads of fights too.

The problem: I'm 28.  She just turned 21.  I more or less took her for granted in the end.  A big fight is what sealed the breakup.  At first, I was glad to be away from her constant neediness... until about 4 days later, when I really felt alone.  I tried to call and make up but, alas, the damage was done.  I could tell I'd lost her.  I tried like hell to get her back to no avail.  She was mercilessly cruel about it too... pointing out all my faults, and telling me things she knew I'd have gone insane over if we'd still been dating.

Anyway, I'm in a lot of pain still.  I can't bear to think that she's found someone else who's so wonderful compared to me, and that I didn't even really know what I was doing wrong with her until I read your book, when it all became frighteningly clear.

Can you offer me any hope?

Paul



Hi Paul,

You've got a duel problem going here.  One is your track record of break-ups and fights that have created issues between the two of you that somehow must be resolved, and the other is the age difference.

I don't know about what kind of issues you both might have since I wasn't there to hear it all, but I'll tell you something about the age difference.  There's an incompatibility barrier that you're running up against because, at 28, you're in a mode when you might be looking to settle down and marry... while at 21 she's just coming into the top of her game.  This is a classic feral female who has the (male) world by the tail right now.  Guys everywhere want to bag 21 year old girls, and she knows it.  She's in demand has the power, and she sees you as old baggage now.

You've got what amounts to a wildcat on your hands.  The only chance you have here is what I call "high drama".  You've got to do something utterly outrageous to break back into her life, demonstrate how much she means to you, and simply refuse to be rejected by her again.  There's still enough idealism in a chick this young that she might be blown away by the whole display and fall into your arms.  You need to really swing for the fences this time and make a massive play for her. 

Nothing short of this type of ploy will work.  "Begging" (yikes!) will only seem like more of the "old you" that she's probably grown tired of.  If you were planning on nagging her and whining and somehow creeping your way back into her life, just save yourself the extended torture and move on.  What this sort of move actually entails is something that only YOU can know because you should understand by now where the right buttons to push in her heart are located.  If you don't, then you spent too much time fighting with her and not enough time bonding.  Now you see why it's so important to penetrate a girl's mind, FIRST.

And if you do ultimately get back together with her, use what you learned in the book this time to keep her in line!

Hi Mike,

On Friday I met a girl at a party.  She's 23 (I'm 20), and she was only there because she was visiting her 18 year old sister.  I ended up making out/cuddling with her.  She said that she felt "connected" with me, although she also made it clear that she wasn't interested in having sex that night.  She also told me that meeting a guy at a party was very out of character for her.  She became more and more relaxed and got more excited as the night went on, and our kissing and petting got very passionate by the end of night.  At the end of the party, I walked with her back to her sister's place and she said that she would've invited me in if it were her place.

Since then, I've talked with her a few minutes today and it seemed a little awkward.  She seemed excited to hear from me, although I didn't have much to say.  We ended up just chatting a bit about our weekends and I told her I'd had a good time.  I asked if she was planning on visiting the university area anytime soon (I don't know anyone in the area where she lives, and I think it sends a bad vibe if I suggest a visit...), and she said she might be coming down "the weekend after this one". 

Any advice on how to handle this?  When would be a good time to call again?

Fritz



Hey Fritz,

Thanks for writing.  She's been thinking about you a lot since that night and so have you, that's why the conversation was awkward -- you both had run scenarios in your minds and imagined the worst... saying stupid shit and putting you foot in your mouth, etc.  That's why you were both extra cautious about what you said and thus the awkward feel to the conversation.  No big deal.  Actually, a good thing.

You've established your interest in her as a man... good work.  Now don't fuck it up.  Whatever you do, you must remember to escalate to the next level... whatever that ends up meaning for the two of you.  Maybe sex, but not necessarily.  Just make sure that you take things a little step father beyond your first meeting.  Be bold.  If you retreat and show fear now you're done. 

Mike,

I worked in an office of a steel company with a bunch of pissed-off old divorced women in their 40s-50s until I was laid-off (while the office deadwood was retained), but that's life.  I currently work part-time at a Banana Republic here in Kansas City with a lot of hot women in the 20s-30s.  They're much more pleasant to work with, and way better to look at!

My former office setting was an open bull pen arrangement.  Well, let me tell you... these old fuckin' "battle axes" miss lots of work due to sick kids, come in late, leave early, gossip, bull-shit all day long, bitch about men, pick fights, don't pull their weight, and make the workplace miserable for guys like me who just want to make some money, pursue their careers, and advance themselves.  Feminized and emasculated male managers are scared shitless to reprimand or fire these witches.  In fact, as I learned the hard way at my last job, management will often punish YOU for the sins of others -- or for complaining about these blatant abuses.  It's fucked up, Mike!

My old man, a retired machinist, had a saying about women in the workplace.  "Women make up 50% of today's workforce, but about 10% of them are worth a shit!" Wise words indeed!

The economy is still in the toilet.  In fact, a buddy of mine in mid-management just took a job at 30% less salary.  He's been out of work for 5 months.  I myself have an interview with a good company next week.  I've been hounding the guy (--> HSM at work! <--) every 2 months for the past couple of years.  I would be working primarily with men, and for a man!  I hope to God I can get out of this shit hole. 

Anyway, how can a guy cope with all this shit?  I know I'm not alone here.

Danny

        (And then another a few days later...)

Mike,

Last month I took a sick day due to a summer cold.  I decided to turn on daytime television.  I never watch television, but usually rent videos instead. 

What I saw horrified me... an endless stream of male bashing!  Jenny Jones, Montel Williams, and Oprah Winfrey... all demonizing men.  Every trailer trash loser and abuser was a man.  Female judges harshly reprimanded men while their ex-wives cheered.  Dating shows paired dullards with stylish and sophisticated women.  The women mocked the men's character flaws, slovenly dress, and impaired social skills.  The sharp witted (dim witted if you ask me) male host poked fun at the men, but ignored the bitchy, psychotic and catty women.  Then came the Lifetime and Oxygen channels... do I even need to tell you about them?

Disgusted, I turned off the television and headed back to bed.  Two messages were clearly conveyed.  One, men are evil!  Two, women are "entitled" to having it all, and if they don't have it all, it's men's fault.  Can you believe this shit?

Dan


Hi Dan,

Looks like you discovered the first rule of modern political correctness, that being, men indeed are evil and are the source of all the real problems in the world.  Men are constantly being beaten up as low-lifes, perverts, bad husbands, bad fathers, etc... on all these "Oprahfied" programs.  It's a wonder that any sex occurs at all anywhere with the way women are being trained to hate us by watching all these stupid fucking TV shows.  Every plot on Lifetime has to do with a woman being raped by some guy, abused by her rotten husband, or molested by a monstrous father.  And of course, the men all get theirs in the end... yay!  Then you've got these worthless lap dogs like Dr. Phil who have made a career of turning traitor by going over to the other side and continuing the damage.

I agree that there's a lot of animosity in women nowadays, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they are frustrated because men don't seem to understand them, especially when it comes to behaviors that they think will make them happy -- mostly matters of the heart and romance.  Men are nothing but fat, beer-drinking, football-watching slobs who do nothing but have sex and then lay on the couch and resist doing anything else, (like helping out with the kids or cleaning up the house).

In my book you'll see that I've focused mostly on teaching guys how to be better men, and to project the kind of attitude, look and appeal that women find attractive.  This could go long way toward smoothing over some of these animosities that you see being played out on TV.  Read the book and see for yourself, and let me know you think.  Take care buddy, and try to stay upbeat (like me ;-) wouldja?

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