Q&A Forum with the Author of "Without Embarrassment" -- Page 6

Hey Mike,

Thank you for writing such a complete and informative book, I'm glad I purchased it. I feel that there was a lot of material to read and absorb, so to fully grasp everything I will definitely have to read it again. I will say that I have read and purchased some of the other "claim to know all about picking up women books", but yours hands down had the most common sense and actually tries to get to the root of the problem -- "fear" .

To give you a brief history on myself and why I felt the need to purchase your book: I am 35 yr old athletic, never-had-a-problem-looks-wise-attracting-women black male living in New York City. I work in midtown were you see literally hundreds of good looking women each day. I'm in the technology field and my income is good. Somewhere after dating in and out of relationships with attractive women, I have lost my confidence in finding the "one" -- actually getting fearful of approaching any woman that may have potential to be the "one"

I put myself in the Category 2 male as attractive, but sensitive to rejection. I can pull them in because of looks, charm, style or whatever, but after a couple of weeks they tend to turn into "wimpy women" (clingy, needy, insecure etc.) and I usually lose interest. They never seem to be the ones I really like.

Another situation that I have been encountering is that the girl I really like is in a relationship -- whether married or has a boyfriend, and will allow themselves to be held back by their situation. This is driving me nuts because it seems to be happening a lot, and this adds to my not approaching some women because the idea that they have someone lurks in the back of my mind. Your book has really made me see things more clear now in regards to fear and the right time to approach women but I guess I have to get my feet wet more and I'm not allowing myself to do that.

My goal is to approach more women to get better results without the back talk in the back of my head.. maybe try not to think so much and just flow. Your book will be strongly recommended by me to buddies that I know especially in the African-american community were the dating game to me is a little more intense in regards to black and Latino women and their games.

Thanks again
Arthur

Hi Arthur,

It sounds like your difficulty centers around dealing with fixations or obsessions that you develop with women, at least initially before you lose interest in them. I'll tell you what's wrong with being obsessed or jealous about women -- it sends a subliminal message of LOW male status that defeats all your efforts. Here's why:

A thought experiment... (Einstein was famous for these) -- imagine that you are a King or a Sultan. You have a concubine... women are all after you. You are a dominant male, and most importantly, YOUR ATTITUDE REFLECTS THIS. This attitude is what draws the women to you like bees to honey. You never get jealous or possessive or obsessive about any particular woman. Why not? Because IN YOUR WORLD women are abundant. If one doesn't fit your fancy, you cast her away and move on to the next one.

The incredible attitude that you would possess if this were your ACTUAL reality is like liquid gold when it comes to attracting women... because this is precisely what they are all looking for (sometimes on a deeply unconscious level that they themselves don't even understand!). You are a man who has many women "voting" for him with their attention. Other women see this, trust the judgement of their sisters, and want to know what you're all about. This is the attitude you want to "bottle" to whatever degree possible.

Now the opposite end of the spectrum... the low status male who never gets any women. In HIS world women are a scarcity, and his actions towards them -- possessiveness, jealousy, etc. -- reflects this. So acting in this way sends a subliminal signal to women everywhere that you live way down the male dominance food chain for whatever reason (they don't care why). They will react to such a man in one of two ways:

1) They will immediately reject his advances, or

2) If you remind them in some way of someone who once hurt them (even subconsciously) they will seize the opportunity to HURT you in some way... from harmlessly "teasing" or leading you on, to flat out heartbreak... even if you don't seem to deserve it. Some man deserved it, and you're his proxy, you unlucky bastard.

What they won't EVER do is respond to you as they would to a male they sense as being dominant. That's why even if you can learn to simulate the attitude of male dominance, women will begin to react to you in a manner more to your liking.

And your problems, fixations and obsessions with women will soon vanish because they will soon start to become an abundance in your world. The attitude will then begin to feed on itself, take on a life of its own, and grow.

Hey Mike,

Is there a point where a woman will actually break down and give you some kind of go ahead signal? I still am having trouble talking to women that I am interested in and still feel ashamed about expressing interest in a woman. To me it seems to come across as needy -- and that is my problem.

Also, I really don't know what to ask them to do anyway. I've heard you should not take them out to a bar, and I'm certainly not about to buy women drinks (or meals, or much of anything right off the bat). But taking them to a restaurant or movie is so played out. The best thing I've come up with is teaching a date to play golf. But it's hard to work out schedules. Any thoughts on this? I'd appreciate your input, and thanks again.

Very confused,

Hey Confused (I feel like goddamn Dear Abby now!...),

Guys generally carry the burden of having to initiate most everything with women, but that doesn't absolve the girl from carrying her share of the load. They have to show some interest back, or the guy is under no obligation to just keep kissing ass and fawning all over her. In other words, you should always EXPECT that your efforts will at least be met with some kind of cordial response, otherwise don't waste your time. A girl will respond somehow if she's somewhat curious. Even if she's shy her reaction might be fumbling and nerdy, but it should still be apparent.

Whenever you make contact, always keep your head up and do anything you can to seem confident and at ease, even if you have to fake it at first. Remember it's the Dom Male attitude that gets to them, not how you look or even precisely what you say. Use the NLP tricks that I teach in the book to give your nervous system a shot of confidence on demand whenever you need it. It sounds goofy but it does work (hell, Tony Robbins built a multi-million dollar inductry teaching this stuff to people!)

I'm getting a flashback when you talk about feeling ashamed to express any interest in a woman -- that's exactly how I was when I was your age, and it's what eventually inspired me to write this book. A lot of it stems from growing up in a household where open expressions of love and affection either didn't exist or were openly discouraged. You were trained to link (bind) shame to these natural feelings. Re-read the chapter on toxic shame, and get the book by John Bradshaw that I recommend -- it saved my live.

Don't get all wrapped up in looking for the perfect thing to say to a woman... that's a huge pit of quicksand into which I disappeared many times. You'll end up ruminating and over-analyzing every word from every casual contact -- tearing it apart (and eventually, yourself) to the point where NOTHING will seem appropriate or worthwhile to say. Then you'll end up being paralyzed to act in the future. You'll begin feeling even worse about yourself as a man, and down you go...

Just as you wouldn't stare into the sun and burn your retinas out or chop off your right hand just for kicks (because you'll need these body parts to work as well as they can for your entire life), you must take steps to protect your ego from self-inflicted harm also. It too is something you'll need working for you properly for an entire lifetime! Dealing with the wiles of women is a game that's loaded with unforeseen variables and is by nature highly unpredictable. The only thing you can be sure of is HOW YOU WILL REACT to whatever they throw at you. The trick is to stay light on your feet and be ready to play whatever curve balls they toss your way.

It's your air of confidence that you can absorb their best shot no matter what they've dreamed up to test your male status (which is all they're ever really doing, after all) and come away laughing that really impresses them! Guys who do well meeting women all seem to have this knack for not letting any of a woman's initial BS get to them. Once you've survived this opening onslaught, the girl usually backs down and often gets very interested in you, as your ability to punch through her first "hard to get" maneuver is a sure sign of a Dom Male.

Hey and I like that golf date idea, that's really great. Activity is the best way to go for first dates, rather than getting into these "Dr. Phil" psycho-therapy yap fests. Too much opportunity to put your foot in your mouth. You want to get her bonding to you first before you begin revealing too much about yourself and all your warts. Mystery breeds romance.

You're already slipping into being overcritical about where you should take her... the movies, etc. Don't worry about it -- just do anything that seems fun and appropriate, even if it's old and worn out. The real danger is not that you're going to maneuver some chick into a boring date that makes you look bad, it's OVERTHINKING the whole thing to the point where it starts to burn up your confidence and you begin letting FEAR and doubt control your actions. The control these two monsters exercise is PARALYSIS... leading on to a cycle of social withdrawal.

Remember, your first responsibility is to protect your own ego from self-inflicted damage, not to seek the perfect performance from yourself. In this game it's simply not possible anyway. You're going to need your Confidence all your life -- and not just for dealing with women... but for that big job interview, major life decisions, dealing with your kids someday or your aging parents, or even if you come face-to-face with a bad illness. Keep that mental thing safe and healthy and it will serve you well.

*Mike's Recommended New Seduction Products!*

Check Out "Overcoming Fear of Rejection" Before You Go...

Hi Mike,

I'm a 35 year old virgin. I am extremely fussy in what girls I will and won't pursue. Unlike most guys, I am not looking for lots of hot sex with different chicks, but rather I am looking for a single girl to marry. My drives are the same as any other guy, but my deeply held religious beliefs force me to be extremely fussy in my choice of mate. As I only get ONE sex partner due to my religious beliefs, she better be damn hot! Hence I don't ask many girls out. After staying a virgin for 35 years, I can't lose my virginity to just anyone you see.

Although I've yet to have any success with a girl that I want, I haven't exactly been happy in my celibacy for the last 35 years (i.e. I'm not gay or uninterested in women - though you wouldn't know it from my dating life or lack thereof). My dating history is this... I started seriously chasing girls at age 19. My philosophy WAS that if you befriend a girl first, then when once she discovers what a top bloke you are, she will have no choice but to fall in love with you (and you won't risk rejection when you finally summon up the courage to ask her out).

I value your book because it reminds me of the importance of being an alpha male. I have suspected this is the case for a while and your book really confirms this for me. The reason I believe this is because of my experiences lecturing/tutoring unive3rsity students. Although it completely drains me of energy and takes me about a day to recover from running a three hour lab, I can be an ultra-alpha male for those three hours.

You're probably wondering what question I am asking you. Well first off, I'm not quite as stupid as I sound. I do now thoroughly appreciate the fact that if you befriend a girl you will never ever end up in a romantic (i.e. sexual) relationship with her. Please Mike don't let anyone else do what I've done and spend 16 years (my entire life as a young man) obsessing with just one girl (or a series of 'the ones') spending years trying to befriend them, only to discover there is no hope of a romantic relationship with them. Because before you know it you are 35 years old and you have never been laid.

So my question is this. How come this particular girl I saw in church the other day was giving me very clear 'go' signals at first, then a "you can't have me signal", then a possible 'go' signal again?...

(Author Note: for brevity, I edited out a very lengthy passage where the writer described an encounter he had with a girl (who was with her boyfriend, of all things!...) sitting across the aisle from him at his church. He watched her every move and related her actions with a precision memory that was truly amazing, yet also a bit disturbing in it's detailed clarity.)

...I'll keep my eye out for her again, I don't think I have the guts to approach her cold though -- then again I am not sure that I should. I'm also somewhat mystified as to why she did anything at all, as I assume she only saw me for a few seconds before she started flirting. I suspect it may have been the way I boldly and confidently walked up and across the front rows to find a seat in the middle of the service (but at an appropriate break in this service) in a way that said I'm the shit and I don't care if I am disturbing you other guys here. Or maybe she has previously had her eyes on me?

Robert, Australia

Hi Robert,

Okay, first, the virgin thing has definitely messed up your view of women. You have set such high standards for the woman "worthy" of your deflowering that finding a match is getting to be impossible. Your quest for the Holy Grail of Perfect Pussy is set to become pure Greek tragedy. I fear you are poised to shuffle into old age at this rate without ever getting any real trim. I know you have strong religious beliefs, but I think you've distorted them. By that I mean you seem to be using your church involvement as a means to find women to obsess over instead of a purely spiritual exercise.

And obsess you do. These long drawn out friendships that you persist in trying to turn into love affairs are an impossible chore, and let me tell you why. Everything about seducing women -- EVERYTHING -- has to do with the impression that you make on her AS A MAN within the first 90 seconds of meeting her. You read that right... 90 seconds! I try to drum this into guys over and over again who try this futile friends first route to seduction. It doesn't work. A woman decides within 1 to 2 minutes of first meeting a man if he's the sort of guy who could ever possibly become her lover. She may eventually come to be turned off by you, but if you don't make this immediate dominant male first impression on her you will get categorized as friends-only in her mind AND YOU WILL STAY THERE FOREVER! It is impossible to seduce her because she cannot change this impression of you. It gets branded on her brain, so to speak.

This is why I tell guys to give up on these failed missions they're on and use the methods in the book to go out and find fresh meat that you can get off on the right foot with. NOW you have a chance!

Secondly, the descriptions you're giving me of how the women in this church social network you belong to are reacting to you is disturbing. In particular (and this is a good example of your obsession) the story you told of the girl in the church with her boyfriend and the way she was smiling at you and giving mixed signals, etc. (The way you observed and committed to memory every little detail of her movements is what I mean about your obsessive watching and ruminating about these women. It all stems from the fact that you've never been laid!). This behavior sounds to me like teasing, and with a cruel edge.

Here's what I think... because of all you past failures and prolonged "working on" of so many different women, you have become something of a joke in this social circuit. Women talk -- and they have marked you as a LOSER. Now they've taken to leading you on just for laughs. I'm sure what she said to her boyfriend before going into her act was something like... "Hey, there's Robert, watch me get him all hot and flustered, what a pisser!..."

You've become something like the class nerd who is the butt of endless pranks and cruelty.

Here's my two part advice to you:

1) Go to the nearest pub, crack open a few Foster's, break all your personal (disempowering) rules and get laid by the worst pig that you can find! I'm serious. Forget all this high minded shit about the perfect woman for you. Your lack of any real sexual experience has caused you to place women on such a pedestal that you can't relate to them normally. You need to "de-idolize" women in your mind or you will never be able to act in such a way as to make any of them feel attracted to you. And the long drawn out friends thing is a total waste of time and energy. You need to understand what it's like to REALLY be intimate with a woman and stop IMAGINING what it's must be like.

2) Forget about using this church society as a meeting ground for women. You have totally poisoned this particular well -- forever. As soon as any new girl joins up, I'm sure it isn't long before the other girls corner her and clue her in on what they probably think of you. And it isn't flattering. In this network you have become the "class clown" and cannot function as a real man despite your best efforts.

I think you would be better off working your university/teaching circle to find women (some of the other teachers, perhaps?) as you seem to have an opportunity to project more authority and power in this setting. Even some of the students may be fair game -- so long as you keep your approach classy. Read the book.

I hope you don't find this all too harsh, but sometimes a guy needs a good kick in the teeth to set him straight (good thing you're a half-a-planet away, as you could surely kick my ass!). I only mean to help. Hey, let me know if I'm right or wrong in my assessment here. And if you disagree, then tell me why.

Dear Mike,

I am a junior in high school and my problem is that I want this 1 girl but I can't get anywhere with her. I need a lot of help getting this girl because she is in 10th grade but likes 12th graders. Please help me out. I've been turned down 4 times already and she is more important to me than anyone I know. I get shy and nervous around her, and I usually don't think of anything to say, and so we don't talk. She is a great girl and has a great personality. One of my friends recently asked her out and said he had the same problem with her, that she is hard to talk to. I want to score with her and as you can see I'm pretty desperate. I've been turned down 4-5 straight times and I still haven't found my mistake. She is the nicest, hottest, bestest person I have ever met, and scoring with her will be like a life achievement for me... better than the SATs or anything like that.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE -- I WANT TO BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH THIS HOT CHICK AND ASK HER OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

(anonymous)

Hi buddy,

I don't really feel comfortable giving out "seduction" advice to teens and minors, but I'll tell you something about getting through the social minefield of high school that I sure wish I would've known back then. The worst thing that you can do to yourself is get all caught up obsessing over one girl to the point where you exclude whatever good opportunities you might have to date some OTHER girls in the meantime... even if you feel that they're not your one-and-only "type". I made this very deadly years-long, ongoing mistake when I was your age and it nearly ruined me. Because I couldn't be "bothered" with anyone other than this one girl who I chased after for years (but who didn't like me and wouldn't go out with me) I missed out on what was REALLY important to accomplish during these HS years... namely, to get some experience dating real girls, and not just hang around dreaming about it!

If you remain on this path of stubborn obsession you will pay the price of complete social ineptitude by the time you reach your 20's and you will find yourself clueless as to how to deal with women in a romantic way. Trust me... been there done that. How do you think I became this great "social coward" in the first place? Plain and simply, if this girl doesn't like you then the hell with her, move on.

No relationship that you will ever have in high school has any staying power anyway -- almost no one gets married to their high school sweetheart anymore, and the few that do are crawling the walls with misery by the time they're 25 due to massive regret from having missed out on all those chances they could've had with other people! The important thing you need to focus on at this phase of your life is genuine social interaction and having real experiences, not some foolish obsession with one supposed "dream" girl. It's all about just getting practice right now!

Then, when you hit your 20's and the truly important dealings with women begin to present themselves in your life, you'll at least be somewhat prepared to enter into the fray and not find yourself embarrassed about your total and complete lack of knowledge on the subject. Eventually you'll either get caught up lying to everyone about your barren social life (including yourself), or simply sink into complete social withdrawal.

If I could hop into a supercharged Delorian and go back in Time to visit my stupid 17-year-old self, this is the lecture that I would've tried to pound into my own thick skull. Take care.