Hello Mike,

I was at a restaurant for lunch yesterday and there was a fairly attractive woman standing in line in back of me.  I moved myself to an open position (hands in back of me) and looked at her and smiled.  We were both ordering our food at the same time and her order was done first.  So, she took her glass and walked passed me but she kind of brushed up against me as she walked by.  I took notice of this because there was room for her to walk by me without brushing up against me.  Was this a strong flirting signal or simply a woman that was not watching where she was going?

To give you a little more info on the situation, I was dressed in a beautiful suit and I looked good.  As they say, I smelled of money.

Jim


Hi Jim,

It's tough to tell for sure -- what you have to do is look for a cluster of signals... at least two or three.  If you would've said something to her and she made and held eye contact or smiled, then you could have read this as a sign of interest and asked if she would like to join you, or whatever.

That being said, women can be very crude when it comes to making a move on a guy and getting a guy's attention because, well, they just don't have to do it very often (because by social convention this is the man's job) and they have no practiced skills in this area.  So this could very well have been a clumsy, high-schoolish maneuver to get your attention!

Don't ever underestimate the power of being well dressed.  When guys look at women, we use our "x-ray vision" to remove their clothes and imagine them naked.  Women are exactly the opposite... they remove our crummy jeans and sneakers in their imagination, and then re-dress us in great looking suits and uniforms!  Make sure you understand the power that you have whenever you're well dressed like this in the future.  Women are weak for a sharp dressed man.  Keep your antenna out next time and try to get a second signal from her if you can.

Hi Mike-

I have to say I was really struck by your idea of toxic shame.  I mean, wow... you described me exactly!  I don't know where it came from, but I feel like a fool "chasing" a girl because it makes me feel weak.  It's like admitting you need someone else in your life to make it better.  I guess I took the loner's oath a long time ago  ;-)

Anyway, I'm ready to get over it now, and I'm glad to have found your book. Thanks for your work...it's good to know others have "recovered" from this type of thing!

Ben


Hi Ben,

Thanks for your kind words.  Get that book by John Bradshaw that I talk about --"Healing the Shame that Binds You".  Check Amazon.com.  This book saved my life!  At the age of 40, I finally figured it out with the help of this book.  Toxically shamed affection needs made it impossible for me to approach a woman without feeling like a fool.  Loners are powerful people, only weaklings need others... sound familiar?

It IS possible to change these messed up thinking patterns -- but the first step has to be complete knowledge of what the hell is wrong with you in the first place.  It's damn hard to objectively evaluate yourself, because we each have a lot of time invested in convincing ourselves that we are right about the way we feel about everything, and that everyone else is wrong.  Do it now before your attitudes get locked in concrete (like all the miserable old bastards you know!)  You can't repair something until you troubleshoot it first, right?

Dear Mike, 

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!  I'm 16, in high school, and just by reading your free articles and applying them I've had tremendous success.  Getting women isn't hard when one realizes all it takes is to be a true dominant male.  I'll be buying your book very soon.  Also, I'm interested on how you came up with this system -- it seems everyone in this country has a feminist-hating approach at meeting girls, and it doesn't work.

Danny


Hi Danny,

For such a young man you have great insight... you spotted the fact that my methods do NOT focus on putting women down or treating them like trash.  Learning the ways of the dominant male shows women the primary attractor that they want to see... it is the secret as to why some guys are regarded as "hot" and some guys as boring dorks, despite their physical appearance (which gives the rest of us fits trying to figure out, "what the hell does she see in him...").  Now you know.  And yes, it does parallel the kind of posturing and ritualized behaviors you see in many species of animals.  The males compete and display to create a pecking order that the females use to determine who they are going to mate with.  Humans are more sophisticated in their approach, but really no different in their designs.

You've got a lot of lady-slaying ahead of you.  I'm glad I've been able to help keep you zeroed-in on the right approach to everything.

Hello Mike,

Thank-you for the book. I've finished reading it twice now, and can honestly say I wish I had this information many years ago.

I have one question that I'd like your advice on.  I'm a fitness instructor and I regularly teach lots of very attractive women, some of whom I'd like to ask out.  The problem I always find is that I have this professional-thing that prevents me from taking that extra step, and also I think that if I did ask someone out it, and she said no, it could be embarrassing if I saw her again.  Your advice on this would be much appreciated.

Regards
Cal


Hi Cal,

Man I gotta get a job as a personal trainer -- I get more letters from you guys who work at gyms and have problems with too many women to choose from ;-)

Seriously, the professional boundary is a concern for a lot of guys who work in situations like this where there is a client/customer sort of thing going on.  The thing to remember is that a dominant male never apologizes for his actions and desires as a man.  This 'go for it' kind of attitude is what makes him so attractive in the first place.  As long as you keep your approach to her classy and non-offensive, you have nothing to worry about.  If she rejects you, make absolutely nothing of it... and don't allow your attitude towards her to change one iota (no LSM-style pouting).  So what?  No big deal.  YOU DO THIS ALL THE TIME.  Once again, no apologies for the fact that you were attracted to her and you ACTED on it.  Dominant males do this all the time because they EXPECT women to like them.  If she isn't, it's no big deal.  You're still happy and friendly and all smiles.

Always operate on the expectation that women will respond to you the way that you would like them to.  The more you can sell this attitude, the more easily they will buy into it.  Everything in life is about expectations.  You accomplish all the things that you do in life (especially your income level) simply because you expect it to happen that way.  The things that lie beyond our personal expectations are the things that seem unreachable.  Wrap your mind around stuff FIRST, and then it will become yours in reality LATER.  Even if this chick doesn't take the bait, you'll be better off for having planted the seeds of positive expectancy in your own mind for all future encounters.

And as long as you stay cool afterwards, she'll be kicking herself in the ass for not having jumped at the chance to date you.  You'll catch her flirting and giving you "those eyes"... begging for her second chance.  Now you'll have the power, watch and see.

Hey, this is even more fun than when they say yes right away!

Dear Mike,

I do have one question which seems to be avoided by dating Gurus, and I'd like to hear your view on it, that being interracial dating.  I'm a 23 year old black man who lives in a predominantly white neighborhood, goes to a predominantly white school, and has mostly white friends.  The problem is that as far as we seem to have come with race relations in our culture, interracial dating (especially between black men and white women) seems to still be somewhat discouraged. 

There have been plenty of times when my friends and I hangout with girls that they know, but those girls seem less open to me than they do to the other guys and I think race plays a factor in it.  They may be afraid of what their friends might think. 

My question is, what is your insight on this and is there anyway to make them more accepting?

Jeremy


Hi Jeremy,

I don't know if I'm qualified to give an educated opinion about interracial dating in a philosophical sense, but I have a few thoughts about YOUR particular situation that I'd like to share with you.

Be mindful that you always hurt your game by wearing your past failures with women like a baggy old coat.  You "wear" them, of course, in the attitude that you project about yourself.  The past difficulties that you've had trying to date cross-race might be making you less effective now, by giving you pause whenever you try to act.  Your confidence is down.  This might also be intensified because of the social situation that you find yourself in.  The way you describe it, you sound a bit like a fish out of water... surrounded by whites where you live & work, go to school etc.

Hell, from what I can tell it's COOL to be black today.  Blacks drive popular culture in the U.S. to a great degree.  Despite the fact that it's easier than ever before in history for a black guy to date across racial lines, I think you might be feeling somewhat isolated and alienated in the specific social universe that you find yourself in.  I suspect that you've got yourself into a frame of mind where you might be feeling somewhat ashamed of your race (maybe only unconsciously of course, but that's even WORSE...) and now it's beginning to show through in your attitude (LSM alert!).

Being the only black guy in the crowd you run with has made you more self-conscious of your race than you otherwise would be .  And self-consciousness my friend, is the foundation of shyness.  The shy are always self-conscious, often painfully so.

What you need to do is embrace your heritage and act more proudly of it.  Remember what I said about expectations... EXPECT that women will respond to you positively, and before you know it, they will.  That's because people are basically empty vessels that feed off of the cues they get from others around them.  If you act like you have some reason not to be proud of yourself, they'll be happy to join in and support the lousy self-image that you're projecting.  Conversely, if you project the opposite attitude, one of power and strength...

Bottom line is that your race is unimportant socially.  What you BELIEVE about it is, however, crucial.

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