One of my recent opportunities with a girl developed into a friendship because of my complete incompetence and lack of confidence.  This girl has been in Europe for almost a year, but she'll be back in my town soon.  We've been friends for a few years, and I've talked to her via e-mail while she's been in Europe.  How can I get beyond just being friends with her and get back the romantic interest she once had for me?

Sam


Hi Sam,

It's very tough and most of the time impossible to get a woman who's jammed you into her "friends-only file" to change her romantic opinion of you.  You say that you've been friends with this girl for several years now, which means that she's long since decided that you are NOT boyfriend material for her.

The only chance that you might have is a kind of high-risk reverse psychology ploy where you demonstrate that you are desirable to other women, and that she's somehow missed out on a great guy who could've been hers.  For this you'll need to be dating at least one other woman, and arrange it so that she finds out about it somehow.  IF she gets a bit jealous, you then have to set it up so that you 1) somehow reveal your true romantic feelings for her and, 2) give her a "second chance" at you.

You MUST deal from a position of strength here (by showing that you already have an active social life), and not from some lonely guy, "needy" position of weakness, or you simply haven't got a chance.  Only by playing on the perverse desire that some women have to steal each other's men will you be able to get her to reconsider her own feelings for you.  That's assuming this kind of basic desire in her is strong enough or even present, which it may not be... in which case none of this will work.

Either way you've probably only got a 50-50 shot at best.  This is why I try to pound away on the importance of NOT letting yourself slip into this friends-only quicksand right from the very beginning when you're first getting to know a woman.  I realize that doesn't help any for these deals where the situation is already "grandfathered in", but what can I do?  We can't turn back the clock.  Let me know how it works out.

What do you mean by perfecting my "male display"?  I hear you talking about this a lot.

Art


Hey Art,

"Male display" is just the totality of how you present yourself to all the women around you during the course of the day... dress, style, attitude, the way that you handle pressure, treat other (less powerful) people, etc.  All the stuff I talk about as being the HSM characteristics that you want to try to adopt for yourself as much as possible.  I call it a 'display' because in Nature, most male animals put on a display of some sort (fancy plumage, boisterous croaking, mating dance, etc) for the sole benefit of the females... who sit back and watch these displays -- and then choose their prospective mates from among the best that they witness.

The key understanding here is that it's the females who do the actual choosing in the mating ritual, NOT the males.  It seems to be the other way around in human society because the impetus appears always to be on the man to be aggressive and make the first move.  But this is really an illusion.  Your 'game' is ONLY workable if you are chosen first by receiving a non-verbal 'go' signal from the female.  Then you can you act without fear of rejection blocking your seductive efforts, which is the principal goal of WE.  Reducing the risk and fear of rejection.

You see, LSM's (Low Status Males) receive few genuine opportunities because they rarely get chosen by women in the first place, due mostly to the poor male display they are broadcasting.  They bitch to me in e-mails all the time about how women "never make eye contact" with them or send any flirtatious body language signals their way.  If guys in this low status position DO choose to take action in spite of negative (or no) signal presence, they quickly find themselves in an uphill fight because they are making an "illegal play" from the woman's point of view.  They get rejected and their fear grows and their confidence shrinks -- and then they project still more powerful LSM "anti-vibes".  This is why working on your male display is crucial for your success with women.  Like author R. Don Steele says, you have to look like someone she would consider it fun to have lying on top of her.

Hey Mike,

I'm sorry to bother you again -- its just that I'm always getting big time nervous when I talk to girls, and I was wondering if there is some way to feel more confident and less nervous?

Danny


Hi Danny,

It's no bother at all, always glad to chat with you.  Being nervous in social situations is always a big problem for guys like you and me because we're basically introverts, which means that we're more involved in our own internal mental world rather than the external world around us.  That also means that we tend to heavily over-think everything before we take action because, well, thinking is what we do best!

Over-thinking is often the source of nervousness because our intellect sits in between our reactive brain, which just wants to respond to our more instinctual urges, and the motor-drive part of our brain that controls the way in which we behave, (and thus the final persona that we project to others).  In other words, we can't just act on an impulse when we want to (like socially glib people often do) because we've got to filter those impulses through our mental gatekeeper and think it to death first!!!

And death it is... death to our motivation to interact with people, or take a chance by reaching out to others.  The intellect obsessively mulls over the hundreds of variables in every situation until it does one of two things: 1) paralyzes the motor-drive mechanism (so we can't act), or 2) scares the hell out of us! The second is what makes you so nervous.  Fear.  From over-thinking.

The way out of this trap is to do whatever it takes to quiet the over thinking intellect and become re-connected with the deeper instinctual urges that are trying to manage your actions and behavior.  When you see a girl, act... speak, smile whatever.... BEFORE you can think it through.  Use the 3 second rule if you must (say something within 3 seconds or your hair will catch fire...).  The idea is to trick out your higher, overlord mind into fumbling the ball and let your freewheeling instinctual urges have control of the rudder for a change. 

This will be hard to do at first, but if you keep working at it you'll eventually cause the master control system to "hang" a few times, and you will suddenly find yourself acting in a way that won't seem like it's even "you" any more... and you'll finally be making a connection!  Imagine that!

And you'll be right -- it won't be "you" any more... at least not for that one brief moment.  And that will be a good thing.  It's called growth and change.  Don't be afraid to try it.

Hi Mike,

I just downloaded your free report "The Three Keys to Seducing Any Woman".  Overall the Course was excellent, EXCEPT for the very last section entitled "Manage Your Horniness Instead of Letting It Manage You". I think you made a huge error in this section!!!!  I hope you rewrite the section, because it is very bad advice that flies in the face of the advice given by every book/source on seduction that I have ever studied (i.e. Ross Jeffries "Equalizer", to state just one example, where he recommends adjusting your horniness to a minimum level when you first meet a woman).

In my opinion, the alpha male is always getting laid.  Thus, when he is out with a group of guys he will typically be the least horniest of the group (i.e.. because he is getting laid and knows he can get laid any time he wants).  Hot women pick up on this because hot women don't want guys who are too needy.  They want a guy who is "validated" (i.e.. already getting laid by a woman).  Do you see what I'm saying?  A guy who gets laid a lot won't be as horny as a guy who never gets laid...

A horny guy is needy.  That is a MAJOR turn off to a beautiful woman.  I chat with a beautiful woman online and I'm good friends with her (she lives too far away to pursue, so I just practice my material on her).  One of her quotes is that "it is easy to catch the eye of a horny guy".  I memorized this quote because it spoke volumes of the mind set of a beautiful woman.  She thinks very little of the typical horny guys that she meets every day.

Watch a James Bond movie.  James Bond is NEVER horny or lusts over a woman.   He is cool.  Being horny is un-cool.

Lastly, most of my "single and looking" buddies never get laid by HOT women.  That is because they are horny and thus willing to settle for unattractive/fat women just to get their rocks off.  I WOULD never go for a unattractive/fat woman! In my opinion, taking care of the situation manually is preferable to sleeping with a woman that is not my type.

George


Hi George,

Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough that there's a "good" horny and a "bad" horny in the 3 Keys Mini-Course.  You do have a good point about some horny guys being too desperate to get laid.  But it's not really their horniness that's turning women off, it's their emotional neediness (a major LSM red-flag).

There are actually 2 types of "sexually laid back" guys that you need to distinguish between.  The first guy is getting lots of trim.  His success makes him mellow around women because, in addition to being sexually fulfilled, he's emotionally satisfied by his relationships with them.  This is a very attractive quality to project around other women.  However, he possesses a high motivation to chase after those women (and this is important) because he still needs their real, live, hot little bodies for his sexual fulfillment.  You see, his primary motivator is SEX DRIVE, not fear... so his success with women, while making him mellow, still leaves him driven to continue meeting and mating.  He's actually quite horny most of the time -- but his horniness is based on real world interactions with women (rather than deprivation of them) and therefore it is perceived as being cool.

The 2nd guy is also mellow, but that's because his "mega-wackin' lifestyle" has pretty much drained away most of his sex drive, plain and simple.  He seems horny -- although truthfully he's not craving sex with real women at all (he's too scared).  Instead, what he's really after is emotional satisfaction, because no amount of wackin' can provide what a real woman does for a man in this regard.  Because his sex drive is always so low, however, his primary core motivator is FEAR -- and that acts to block his ability to move on real women.  This doesn't actually matter to him though -- because he only requires some really good fantasy material to fulfill his primary sexual-masturbation needs anyway, not actual flesh and blood women (although he doesn't always realize this).  He can get this just by staying "close enough" to hot women (at school or at work, hanging out platonically with his buddy's girlfriends, at strip clubs, etc.) to keep his porno fantasies fueled.

Low sex drive, high fear, and no need for a real woman in his life (at least not to achieve sexual fulfillment, anyway).  Hey, it's a wonderful nerd's life!  The only thing really missing from the LSM's universe is the emotional satisfaction provided by a real woman.  And yet this is what he soon finds himself most desperate for... but this missing element becomes a huge turnoff because the typical socially-inept behaviors that usually accompany this kind of lifestyle scream out that women are a scarcity in his life.

If he could only get rid of that damn need... why, the LSM would be in hog heaven.  But he can't.  And the fact that he can't is why he's seen as being needy, and thus unattractive to women -- not merely because he's "horny".

You don't have to go completely celibate or anything to make this kind of fundamental change in your success with women, that would be counter-productive in the other direction.  Just trim back your "wackin' workload" a little and begin to experience a greater surge of your positive male lifeforce.

Mike, I have trouble with the "clever wit" aspect of the flirting game.  I freeze up and can't think of anything funny to say, and it feels like I should be doing something to lighten up the mood.  It's really hindering me.  Any suggestions?  Also, what are good things to talk about in a first encounter to get things going on a romantic track right away?  I always feel like a goddamn interrogator and it doesn't work, but I don't know of any other way to keep the conversation flowing.

Jack


Hey Jack,

Clever wit only means that you make funny observations about certain things going on around you, or about universally understood people and events that are currently cooking in our popular culture.  (If the premise of the joke is not universally understood it qualifies as an inside joke.  Not good usually.)

Remember how Jerry Seinfeld used to do it?  Find his re-runs on cable and study them with a more trained eye if you never watched him before.  His is the perfect kind of clever but mostly non-offensive humor that women really dig.

Don't go overboard with the jokes though, or everything about you will seem forced and unfunny.  And don't forget that timing is everything in humor -- make sure that you pick your spots carefully and only roll out a clever remark when the moment seems just right.  It's your keen recognition of that certain moment that I think defines what is commonly understood as a "sense" of humor.  In other words, avoid any attempt to force the gag if there isn't something juicy to grasp onto.  Better you say nothing than take a shitty stab at humor.  (Be careful not to make any jokes about HER or say anything that could be misconstrued as a put down, of course. I shouldn't even have to say this.)

It's tough to coach humor -- it takes a bit of observational sensitivity mixed with an ability to quickly find the ridiculous side of things, and then point them out in a "cute" way (delivery).  That delivery can vary from deadpan (straight faced) to a wild man persona like Robin Williams, though I would recommend something in between.  This is drawn from your personal style.  Observe, comment, get a laugh.  Then let it rest for a while.  Humor is like salt & pepper -- just a touch here and there.

Don't come off as being too well-rehearsed like you're doing a goddamn comedy routine!

Instead of dry questioning, talk about the interesting things happening in YOUR life, but in a way that draws her out and gets her talking about her own interests. "I was at the gym working out the other day and blah, blah, blah... tell me, what sort of things do you do to keep yourself in such great shape?"  Like that.  This tells her something interesting about yourself, gets her to talk about herself in a way that might uncover some common ground between the two of you (you're fishing around for topics), and sneaks in a sly compliment about her great looks as a bonus (that's always the best way to lay in a compliment... with subtlety!).

Always try to stay laid back -- ceaseless interrogating makes you seem intense and inexperienced, and ratchets up the pressure on her too, because it becomes obvious that you're trying to "pick her up".  The discomfort this creates will make her want to get away from you ASAP.  Lighten up, loosen up... and act like you do this stuff all the time (even if you don't, how the hell can she possibly know that?...)

I have a few questions...

1) How do you impress in group conversations? Being rather shy and quiet, I often get left out... and feel uneasy about interrupting all the time.

2) For talking to girls on a regular basis, how do I get conversations started the second, third time etc., after we have already met or been introduced. 

3) Icebreakers - I know I should not use pick up lines, but I'm still struggling with this as my mind really goes blank when a girl returns my signal. I hesitate and thus diminish my status in her eyes. I know you do not like to tailor lines to the situation, but could you just give me a few examples so I can get the gist of the general format?

4) I get told I am too serious, albeit I have a dry sense of humor. So I've tried smiling more and women seem to love that. Should I smile when I talk, smile when I listen... or does the poker faced mysterious stuff, interspersed with smiles in the appropriate places, work better?

Regards
Murray


Hi Murray,

One of the most difficult issues that a lot of guys face is what I call 'conversational content', or more specifically, lack thereof!  

You too seem to have most of the essential elements of what is needed to make serious progress with women all worked out in your mind, but you're still at a loss somehow.  It's like you're a great artist who has designed the perfect mold for a magnificent statue.  All the framework is in place, all the technical details have been managed to a tee.  Everything is all set to go, but then a problem arises -- you don't have any plaster!

There's nothing to pour into the mold.

I can see from the techniques and processes you talk about that you've acquired a detailed understanding of all the things that you should or could possibly do around women, but you still can't find a way to make it work.  Here's why that is so... the focus of your life passion is too narrow.

I suspect that mostly all you think about is solving these social issues you have within yourself and not much else -- and yet the more you drill in and focus on all the various places where you feel you're failing -- in social groups, with women, etc -- the more elusive the answer seems to become.  That's because the answer lies not in technique, but in the totality of your PASSION for life.

The more passionate you are about something -- the more immersed -- the greater will be the ease at which you can begin to connect with others, BASED on that passion.

You've already discovered the difficulty of trying to 'manufacture' conversation when the vessel (you) is empty.  That's why you are struggling to sustain conversations... ratchet up the level of discussion on a second occasion of meeting someone, dream up interesting things to say on a first meeting, wonder if you should frame what you say with smiles (it's always good to smile and have a smile in your voice around women, incidentally.  A mysterious persona seems to be getting misinterpreted as too grim on you).  And so on.  You mention your unease at repeatedly interrupting in groups. This could be because you sense that you don't have anything important to say.  You're smart, detailed and intuitive.  You're just... empty.

There's only one way to correct that -- you have to develop and embrace some kind of passion about life, something that really interests you.  Learn a sport or hobby, join an acting class, become a musician, cycle cross country, join a political cause... it doesn't matter what captures your soul.  Whatever it is will eventually pull you into it's world -- then your social circles and relationships will begin to emerge from within the framework of that new world.  Your communication and social skills will become transparent once the important thing becomes expressing that passion for life through yourself, and you'll find yourself worrying less and less about how you're coming across (and endlessly over-analyzing it!).

You must upgrade your current "passion" for self-improvement with this newer one.  Self-work is great, but it's also fundamentally anti-social and not really something that can be shared with others, except perhaps in a group therapy-type setting.  That's one of the reasons you're having these difficulties thinking up things to talk about.  Right now the only real passion in your life is YOU -- and it just doesn't make for interesting conversation because, well, no one really cares.  Self-interest is a socializing dead-end.  People simply don't care about someone else's personal breakthroughs.  People will care about some outwardly directed passion, or about a life's cause that consumes you, however.

I guess this has been a long and complicated way to say "get a life", but that really is the message.  And I mean that with no malice intended.  No amount of studying prepared scripts or "talking points" to help you socialize with women will sustain you for very long.  They are only facades after all, with nothing genuine behind them. 

What do you talk about after the script runs out?

I know you will probably find this advice difficult to swallow right now because you want to desperately solve your social difficulties first, and then -- from that calm place -- take up other life interests.  You will always face a struggle to focus on anything else until these issues are solved for you.  I'm telling you though, that you must spin everything around and point your passions outwards on something other than your self-work for now.  Then you will see how magically these perplexing social difficulties will begin to clear up for you.

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