Hello Mike,

I've been working basically on talking to girls and saying "Hi", just to get rid of my fear of approaching them.  I was in the club last night and there was this girl that I really liked but before I could gain the courage to approach another guy had moved on her.   I'd like to know what is the best way to go about approaching girls in clubs.  Thanks.

Ted


Hi Ted,

Thanks for writing.  Clubs can be tough, they are not the normal world where regular sort of social techniques are effective.  Everybody has their eyes on the top 10% of hot bodies (both men and women) and everyone else looks diminished and low quality in their shadow.   This makes it damn hard to get a "hearing" from women, so it's a tough environment that requires a thick skin for rejection.  That's because girls who would otherwise pick up a flirt and play around for awhile with any guy like yourself will reject you pretty quickly instead, especially if it's obvious to them that you don't have a lot of "club mojo" or aren't a regular player in that environment.

Here's 3 things to know about working in clubs:

1) You have to open with a big playful flirt, something like "Hey baby, you were smokin' out there on the dance floor! Very nice, I love that _____ look (mention something unique about her look), it's great."   This delivery should be big and grand and done with a laughing, joking demeanor.  A meek little "Hi my name is Joe..." approach here will be ignored.   You're invisible giving off this little energy.

2) Watch her eyes!   If you get good eye contact and she picks up your flirt you have a shot.  If she won't meet your eye, then bail-out and save yourself.   She's a queen who's not interested in you, for whatever reason.   Pushing further will only draw a firmer rejection.   So you have to sort through them fast in this environment because a lot of them are just out shitting around with girlfriends and ego-tripping on all the guys hitting on them or staring and drooling.  Many have boyfriends.   Women will usually make this sort of grading determination about a man (hot-or-not) in about 3 minutes -- in the real world.   In "club reality" you probably have a minute or less.

3) Everything is time-compressed in a club, there's no getting phone numbers or having long, pleasant conversations here.   It's all about ACTION and moving and dancing.   You have to seem like a player and not a wallflower or you become background noise that gets ignored.   Move around, talk up lots of women, dance.   When women are in motion their juices are flowing and the men appear sexier and more appealing to them.   That's why guys often end up doing it right out in the parking lots with these chicks -- time compression means cutting right to the chase lots of times.   This is not a venue to meet people for later dating, it's about TONIGHT!  What happens tonight.   Lots of touching, flirting, sexual innuendo are in order.   The women are there to get buzzed up and excited and possibly have some kind of adventure tonight -- not to meet nice guys.

If you can learn to shift gears and take on a "club-face"... dance, circulate around, become a recognized face, and especially get gossiped about by the women, then you can do well in this environment.   It can be tough for introverts, but if you want to play in this arena then you have to train yourself for this style of game, just like an athletic event.

Hello Mike,

In your first book you wrote about how important it is to listen to what a woman has to say, to pay attention, etc... things that I understand to be polite and even sort of "nice guy"-like.   But in your second book you wrote that to avoid the friendship zone we have to be more of a creator of problems for her rather than a problem solver.  Aren't these ideas in conflict?

Also, when I meet a girl I sometimes like to talk about Africa ( I love to travel...), and I often describe how exotic and wild it is…( trying to “touch” her visual senses and feelings…).   I also tell her how wild and sexually exciting it is to sleep with a lady in the middle of the savanna... listening the noise of lions hunting, etc.   Their reactions are sometimes positive but often times not.   Is it a good idea in general to talk about sexual topics right away?   I tend to believe that I'm acting too much like a nice guy otherwise -- but when I try to act more like a tough, sexy guy, I get the feeling that the woman's interest in me decreases.   It's difficult to find the correct attitude.

Carl


Hi Carl

I always emphasize listening as part of anyone's fundamental package of seduction techniques only because many guys tend to come on too self-centered in the sense that they will fixate and talk constantly about their own stuff to the point where they BORE other people to death, both men and women.   This limits your social opportunities to say the least, so I want to make you aware of this possible problem.

It's just a reminder to observe BALANCE and establish a give-and-take with people -- and with women it's always better to keep things focused on them anyway.  In many ways they are like little children in the sense that they need to have others validating them all the time, because they are perpetually insecure about some aspect of themselves.   So let them do as much of the talking as possible and you just be interested and engaged.   This builds all-impoprtant connection, which gets her thinking in possible romantic terms about you.   Plus it's easier for you as well -- you only need to keep reacting and gently nudging the conversation in whatever direction you would like rather than whipping up all the content as well.

Being a creator of problems is all about romantic tension... women are unattracted to guys who don't push back in their relationships, who become passive servants in order to try and remain on the woman's good side.  Nice guys tend to kiss too much ass or they offer to do all sorts of favors, and this diminishes them in the woman's eyes -- producing just the opposite effect they were seeking.   Real men maintain and set boundaries and serve up the appropriate amount of grief when those lines are crossed.  Women may get pissed, but they will respect this kind of guy.  When dealing with women, doing the opposite of what seems logical is usually the way to get the results you're seeking!   Go figure.

I've found that it's usually more effective (and safer) to suggest sexual issues -- mostly with lots of non-verbal flirting and a bit of well-timed innuendo here and there, rarely by talking about it directly or overtly.  The only exception would be if she starts moving things in this direction first and is provoking you to pick up the ball and run with it.  Normally though the dance of seduction is like a veil dance... little pieces come off during the course of time, and too much too soon ruins all the mystery!

If you're getting a flat reaction on your second calls, then you either made a dull first impression or you are failing to remind her of why she was so excited to have met you in the first place (was she?).  You've got to recreate and nurture her enthusiasm and then strike (set up another get-together) when the iron is hot!

Hi Mike,

What would be a good way to show your interest to a shop sales assistant or to someone else whom you have only just met?   How would you apply this to strangers in the street for instance... just stop them and start a chat?    Seems a bit predatory to me.   For instance, I see pretty girls walking around our building at work as I wander about, but they are in completely unconnected departments to me and so I have no cause to come into contact with them.   And it seems as if I have developed a mental block when it comes to chatting up women while out and about.   There seems to be no valid reason to invade their privacy, even just to make small talk.   It's not like you're at a bar where people go to deliberately to drink and chat.   What do you think?

Thanks,
Albert


Hi Albert,

Sometimes the issue with this "pull-tabbing" task (as I describe it in my new book) isn't so much about knowing exactly what to say to women, as it is coming to grips with how you FEEL about saying it.   As long as you continue to feel that approaching women is creepy and predatory in some way, no matter what the circumstance or surroundings, you will always come across poorly because your discomfort will be evident in your attitude and presentation of yourself.

In order to remain relaxed at this game you have to diminish the stakes involved, which means that you must approach any and all opportunities in the spirit of curiosity rather than as a life-or-death mission powered by some ulterior motive.  You need a re-arranged mindset that completely reverses this outlook for you -- especially the part about the ulterior motive, which is why the process now must seem vaguely 'predatory' to you.

Flirting with women and asking them out on dates is a GIFT that you bestow upon them -- it's not some lecherous verbal grope that you need to slink around being ashamed of.   You must begin to think of the flirting & meeting process as something that both you and the women will enjoy if done properly and with a touch of class.  You are a High Status Male who has perfectly natural desires and is not afraid to seek avenues to satisfy them.  Women love being hit on as long as the mans' approach is classy, upbeat and seemingly spontaneous.  It puts a spring in their step for the rest of the day knowing that a man felt attracted enough by them to set aside any stuffy social rules-of-conduct and actually take a chance to meet them!   This is essence of romance... think of the plots of soap operas and "chick' movies.   They live for this stuff... even if they won't admit it!

Hi Mike,

Your new book sounds interesting, I found the first one to be very insightful and reassuring, it definitely changed the way that I thought about women.   Your insights into toxic shame were eye-opening as I have always suffered from pretty low self esteem.   I can chat-up girls and sometimes take it a bit further if I feel inspired, but usually I don't bother because my sense of self worth just isn't up to it.   In social situations there's always been this nagging feeling that I'm somewhat of a pariah.

Clearly this is a vicious circle.  I seem to have uncovered some strange ways of thinking recently and so have decided just to try and like myself more.   No, I've never had a proper girlfriend and that is quite embarrassing at age 20, but I keep pressing on.

Take care,
Jack


Hi Jack,

Self-esteem is just a by-product created as a result of a person's general conquest of lifes' challenges.  You sound like you need some kind of passion in your life to give you more of a sense of purpose which can create these challenges for you.   Being on a "mission" of sorts makes you feel like you're a connected, integral part of the world -- and this is where our sense of self-esteem arises.   When I was your age, I went down to the local airport and signed up for flying lessons... something I always wanted to do. The changes this had on me were profound.   Flight training stretched my mind because it made me suddenly aware of a reserve of skills and courage that I had no idea that I'd possessed.   My self-esteem took a major boost from this self-improvement action, and I really never looked back after that.

Elevated self-esteem projects through in your attitude in ways that are impossible to fake, and it puts you squarely on the radar screens of most women.   You're at an age now where you're balanced between boy and man -- the longer you hang onto "boy" and resist taking on the challenges of being a Man, the worse you will continue to feel about yourself.   And you will not find some woman out there to "complete" you and pull you out of this funk.   This is delusional thinking.   It's your job.

Also not having a passion makes your life seem dull and repetitious and gives you little to talk to women about that's of any interest to them, thus creating a difficulty to reach out and connect.  Your particular passion doesn't have to be flying an airplane of course, but start thinking about something that you need to do to kick your ass up to the next level.   The changes that it produces in YOU will create the changes you seek in your social life without having to resort to any sort of games or trickery.  These things may work in the short term, but will leave you with a "mouthful of ashes" in the end... unfulfilled with a sense that something's missing.

We get into trouble in our lives whenever we cling to a passing phase of life (childhood, high school, up-and-coming new guy at the company, etc.) and refuse to move forward into the next phase.   But this is just lamenting unfinished business which can never be completed on that level any more.   The trick is to seek closure in a different way in the new phase.   Like emotional sharks, if we don't keep moving forward and grow, we will die.   Not physically of course, but a death of the soul nonetheless.   So chin up and get motivated!

Hey Mike,

At 40 years of age I think I may have finally found the missing piece of my own personal puzzle thanks to you: toxic shame.   Damn... who would have thought!   I need to tell you my story in order to have my question answered so bear with me.

I am an above average looking man and have a higher than average IQ.  This made my shitty track record with women even more frustrating to me.   I finally decided when I was thirty that I would overcome my fear of rejection and start getting laid.   I studied speed seduction....NOT FOR ME!   Eventually I just starting approaching and flirting with women and knocked a huge dent in my problem, but still couldn't get past the flirting stage of seduction.   It wasn't until after I came across your material that I figured it out.

Growing up, my father was a good provider but many times he was a regular Asshole.  Note the capital A!   Yes, I made mistakes as we all do, but he would totally blow things out of proportion with a slap upside the head or a belt across the ass.  I could handle this, but the yelling, screaming, and cursing are what really hurt the most... YOU ACT SO FUCKIN STUPID, or WHY YOU GOTTA FUCK UP SO GODDAMNED MUCH!!!!   He never spoke to my sister or mother in this way, only to me.

My mother was a sweet woman and I will always cherish her memory, but she did have a shaming trick or two herself.   Her thing was to start crying and say things like "one day I'll be dead and then maybe you'll be happy" or "just go ahead and hurt your mother" or "I'm so embarrassed by you."   Naturally this ain't too good for the old self esteem!

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1999 and the old man changed on a dime.  She fought the disease for 4 years with a courage uncommon... never complaining and always optimistic.   I felt badly for anything I had ever done wrong to her.   She passed away with my father and myself at her bedside crying like babies.

The night after her funeral, my father and I buried the hatchet.   He told me that he couldn't believe the stupid bullshit that he got so bent out of shape about.   He apologized for all he had done to me, and I did as well.   We are on great terms now -- he re-married and I am happy for him.

These are my questions:

Do I have to confront my father about my toxic shame in order to heal it?   Mike, if we were still at odds with each other I wouldn't mind, but I hate to re-open those old wounds now.   John Bradshaw recommends twelve step groups like AA, but I don't want to get into anything like that.   How did you handle it?   I am dead certain that this is the source of all my issues with women, not making enough money, etc.  Thanks for your time.

Ken


Hi Ken,

Thanks for writing, that was a very touching and heartfelt story, my belated condolences to you and your dad for the loss of your mom.   I lost my own dad back in '78 from bone cancer and I still wish I could talk to him every now and then.   Part of the progression of life is the collection of these sufferings along the way.

For me, it was my mom who did most of the shaming of my affection needs, which I now realize did me great damage but was clueless about while it was happening.  To this day however, I have never confronted her directly with these "charges".   At this point I don't believe it would do any good, and so I try to love her as best I can regardless.   I believe that just KNOWING about these hidden shame issues in your own mind robs them of most of their power without having to make a big show of it for everyone else.   The important thing is that YOU can finally understand what's been shaping your behaviors for so long, and so you can change course whenever you see the same patterns beginning to happen again.   It's this AWARENESS that's the key to destroying your shame by dragging it out into the light to burn up like some old vampire.   If you've made peace with your dad, then I would just drop it and move on.

You have to remember that our parents were from a different era where children weren't coddled psychologically as they are today.   My parents were born in the 1920's, which was the depression era in the USA.   Back then if you fed and put a roof over your kids' heads you were being a fantastic parent!   Words were just bullshit -- and their power to hurt and do lasting damage was mostly unrecognized.  People were just parenting the way that they themselves had been parented.   No one had access to very much training in the world outside of their own direct experience which was gleaned from the people in their families and the local community where they grew up, and that "training" could vary wildly from one person to the next.   Remember there was no TV or internet or all the other 1000-and-1 different avenues of alternative information and psycho-babble that exist today and which many of us now take completely for granted.   If you were messed up in the head, you simply suffered in silence -- and you often passed all that crap on to your kids without a second thought.

Hell, my uncle was turned into a dysfunctional alcoholic from the effects of WW II.   Nowadays he would be diagnosed with "delayed stress syndrome" from his combat experiences and treated somehow.   Back then he was just shoved aside as a drunken bum and rejected and isolated and mocked.   This is how he lived out his sad and lonely life.

But now you and I know differently.   Now you can recognize where your problems have taken root and simply refuse to honor them whenever they try to mess you up again in the future.   And you can resolve NOT to pass their effects along to the next generation, to your own sons and daughters.   In some ways ours is a transitional generation born of a responsibility that is presented to us by having access to this sea of information that we swim in -- and it's our job to break the chain of family misery by NOT passing on our own shame-based issues and illnesses.   That's why I say that clubbing your dad over the head with all this shit won't do you any good now -- just go forward as best you can and resolve yourself never to BE him.

You don't need 12 steps, just one step... self-awareness.   Refuse to let your shame speak for you anymore -- keep cutting it off at the knees and eventually it will lose it's hold on you.

Mike,

I am reading your book for the second time to really let it sink in.   I have a question for you...how do you handle the flaky bitch who won't return your calls?   You get her phone number, talk to her for a few minutes on the phone... she seems to dig you, every thing seems great.   She wants to meet next week, her schedule is clear.   Then you call back repeatedly only to get her voice mail and she never calls you back!   Do you leave a nasty message about how she's wasting your time, or just blow it off, or what?   I find that many women seem to be doing this to me.   What the fuck's going on?

Jimmy


Hi Jimmy,

Here's the deal with phone calls... make sure that on your first call back to a chick you spend some time "re-selling" yourself, since the initial impression that you made on her in order to originally get the number has likely begun to fade somewhat depending on the time interval involved.   Getting that first date is really a split operation that requires TWO good impressions -- the first one where you got the #, and then a second one when you make that first call.   Get her sparked up a bit, tease, use some innuendo, be somewhat mysterious and hard to figure out, get her laughing, etc.   In a nutshell... remind her of why she should be excited to want to see you again!

That's when you strike and ask for the date or get together... at the peak of all these good vibes!

I believe that a woman makes her final decision whether or not to hook up with you based on these two combined impressions.   If that second phone call falls flat, she's probably going to reject you because the energy seems missing now.   But women, being the cowards they normally are, rarely will blow you off directly.   They just starve you of further contact by playing the roommate-screening, answering machine-voicemail game in hopes that you'll go away after a few failed attempts to get in touch with her again.

Guys get off on the anticipation of having sex with a new girl they have on the line regardless of her personality or character -- but women want to feel some emotional connection right away or they're simply not interested.   The thought of merely having sex with some guy who's on their tail does nothing for them.   They need to feel buzzed about that guy, and your job is to create that personalized buzz.

Dear mike,

I am in love with a woman who is married but separated from her husband.  I recently went out with her 8 times -- 8 straight dates, and then she backed-off from me completely.   I have asked her out 7 straight times since then.   I realized I was being needy, and thus have pulled back for the last week and half.   No calls from her yet.   What are your thoughts on this one?

Eddie


Hi Eddie

My thoughts should be coming in any minute now... right after my fucking head stops spinning! ("I've fallen and I can't get up"...).  Seven times you asked this chick out and she won't call you back?   I mean, this goes way beyond playing hard to get... this is a nuclear blow off.   And after a bunch of actual real-live dates?   It's obvious that she's had the deluxe sample of you and has decided -- No Sale.

The problem with a deal like this is that, even if you do wear her down with your continued pestering and eventually get her to accept your obsessive attentions somehow, the power balance is totally ruined now.   You will forever have to suck her ass and play second fiddle to this woman in order to keep her from going cold on you whenever she feels like it... which will be just about every day after a while.   Once you surrender your mojo to a chick you'll always be under her boot heel.   Truthfully, this is a game that I don't play with women, nor do I recommend you play it either.

Let me hammer this in -- preserving your self respect must always be more important to you than scoring ANY particular woman!   I don't care how glowing and magical her pussy seems -- they're all basically the same once you've fucked them!   You will grow tired.   And you don't want to grow tired of a chick who continues to disrespect you.   Don't let any woman get to you like this -- the damage to your game is far worse than any fun you'll ever have balling her.   And if you think you won't need your game again because you plan on marrying her and living happily ever after and therefore will never again need to score another woman, take another guess.  It is impossible to live with a monstrous, miserable, nagging WIFE that emerges from a power-imbalanced courting relationship like this.  You will certainly either have to divorce her in the future (and give up half your money) or live in abject misery for the rest of your life.  Think about it!

Ever see these married guys who work 20 hours of overtime every week or who are always hanging around late at the office?   That's because the poor bastard has a monster waiting for him at home!

Start over fresh with someone new -- learn from this great life lesson and emerge stronger for it.  Study the advice in my book and learn how to approach women differently RIGHT FROM THE VERY START so you don't have to put yourself in a situation like this again.   Women are not worth psychic self-destruction.   Don't let women seem like a scarce commodity in your life either or they will sense this with their "chick radar" and continually walk all over you.   And from this crippled position you'll always be vulnerable to suddenly "falling in love" with any of those precious few who WILL pay you any attention, and then the cycle will begin all over again.   I know this is hard to hear, but if I don't tell you this stuff who will?

Hey Mike,

I have really strong feelings for this girl, but there is one thing about her that bothers the hell outta me.   I'm kinda anal about people taking care of their health.   She doesn't smoke or do drugs, but she has gotten real big into tanning.   First it was just something she did once a week - so I said "eh, whatever."   But now she's got this job at a tanning salon, and she's always friggin' tanning!   Thing is, this is her first real job (we're in our early 20's) so I've just been going along with it and trying not to rain on her parade.   But I know that too much of that crap is terrible for your skin and I want to at least let her know what I think without burying her enthusiasm for her new job.   How do I go about this?

Barry


Hi Barry,

I don't know, is tanning that big a deal?   You make it sound like she's been captured by Tom Cruise and indoctrinated into Scientology or something.  Two things to know about being 20-something... 1) there's no telling someone of this age that they're doing something unhealthy for which they will have to suffer any consequences for in the future.   No 23 year old can imagine themselves 30 years from now dying of skin cancer or Hep-C from a bad tattoo or whatever -- they just don't give a shit, and 2) no first job lasts very long before it sucks and you're off doing the next new thing.   In 6 months she'll hate the place along with everyone she works with and will probably quit.  Therefore, I wouldn't get too anal or make a big stink about this if it's going to do nothing but create a sore spot that will interfere with all the fun stuff in the relationship (like getting laid!).

Unless of course... she looks over at your pasty ass one day and suggests that you spend a few hours under the grow lights yourself.   Then it might be time for you to change back into a bat and fly out the window!   Otherwise I wouldn't worry about it -- hell, I hate undercooked boobs anyway.