Hi Mike,

When talking to a girl for the first time just after having approached her, I want to find out if she is:

1 ADVENTUROUS
2 SPONTANEOUS
3 STRONG (MENTALLY)
4 UP FOR A CHALLENGE
5 HAS GOOD WIT
6 SOPHISTICATED
7 AN OPTIMIST
8 NOT AFRAID TO TAKE CHANCES

Those are my primary personality wishes/requirements that I look for in a girl.  I don't want to waste my time on girls who cannot fulfill those requirements, hence I want to sort out who's who within minutes of first approach.  The main problem is, that you cannot judge people by what they are saying, but only by what they are doing - and that is a problem when talking to people.

As an example: I would like to be able to throw some tests at a chick while talking to her. As we all know, girls are testing boys all the time.  Girls are probably not used to being tested, but I want to change all that.  So I would like to have some smart phrases ready to test whether a girl is go or no go.

Jerry


Hi Jerry,

Wow... what you're asking for is really the holy grail of human communication: how to divine someone's true feelings and character by cutting through the bullshit and revealing their persona instantly using words alone.  If we could figure out this trick, the ability would have far more use in finance and politics than it would simply picking up women!

To do the things you want you absolutely do need to see people in action -- because that's where they reveal themselves. And in courting, that's what dating is for.

Yeah I know, it's not fast enough if you're impatient, but life doesn't work like a video game.  It takes risks, effort, discipline to see a job through to the end, and unfortunately... some time invested.  There is a way to accelerate this process somewhat though -- skip the dull dinner-and-movie date.  I always recommend an ACTION date as the first date because it's better than sitting around yapping (which is also a good way to get yourself in trouble by over-revealing too much mundane junk about yourself that places you in a bad light. It busts your mystery factor...).

In your case this is ideal because If you've got an interesting girl on the hook, then robust "action" dating is the way to smoke out those important qualities that you listed.  For instance, when you take her out on the first date, pull a switch.  Tell her you're going to be doing one thing, then when you've got her in the car, say you've changed plans and are going to take her someplace entirely different.  This will test her for spontaneity, right?   Does she take up the spirit of adventure with you, or go into a pout?   There's your answer to questions 1, 2, 4 & 7 from your list.  Take her someplace like snowboarding or hiking, a good test for adventure.   Does she love it or complain because she'd rather be sitting on her ass at a movie?

You'll never really find any of this out about anyone for sure unless you put them to these sorts of reality tests for those characteristics that are important to you.  Tests performed by DOING, not talking.  Dating is this time-honored testing process for you.  You have to use your head when you're doing this stuff, woman are an intellectual challenge.

As you point out, people can lie and tell you anything they think you may want to hear -- and they can do this no matter how cleverly you think you can sneak the truth out of them by using tricky phases.  Women test men by tricking them into displays of honesty / dishonesty, or courage / cowardice.  This is different than the tests you are thinking about doing, which are tests of temperament and demeanor and require action to expose.

Dear Mike,

Being a downtrodden LSM my whole life has adversely affected my social life, finances and even my health.  I'm 36 years old and need a complete do-over in life.  The problem is that when I get down to it I really don't believe that I can change anything about myself.  Positive thinking isn't going to change my underlying crummy beliefs.  I'm stuck.   Do you think this LSM stuff is genetic?   My father is a "nice guy" LSM and my mother a domineering over-protective verbal abuser.   Lucky me! What about nature vs. nurture from your point of view on this subject?   Nature already screwed me over by making me 5'5"!

My question is, how can an LSM make the transformation to HSM if you don't BELIEVE it to be possible for you?   Can one make anything happen without belief?  Isn't that the most important component to change?   Just knowing what to do doesn't seem like it's enough.

Mark


Hi Mark,

About the only aspect of being an LSM that I can imagine might be genetic is the tendency towards being introverted, as this generally ties in with shyness and tends to hold you back socially somewhat.  Your parents sound like they've achieved a dominance-submissive balance that both of them can live with somehow.  Your dad modeled this kind of behavior for you, and you naturally picked it up... but it doesn't have to be a life sentence.   One cannot do anything without belief as you have correctly analyzed -- but it's not your conscious mind that really needs to be doing all this believing, it's your unconscious mind.

Your unconscious mind (UC) has a deeply imprinted image of yourself which includes an assumption of established boundaries around what it "knows" that is personally possible for you... from how much money you can make to how many women you can bed.   The only way to change this "thermostat of possibility" for yourself is by gradually exposing your UC to different REAL LIFE experiences and situations that will slowly retrain it to regard "you" in a different way.   This takes time, but (like bodybuilding) you can really make it happen for yourself if you get motivated and stick with it for awhile.   Maybe you can find a buddy to act as a wingman and you two can push each other to get motivated to go out, or whatever.   Any method that initially works to trick yourself into doing something you've written off as impossible can be effective.  You don't need to create all this incredible positive belief first before attempting something -- the belief will come later as your UC processes the results from reality.  It's a chicken-and-egg thing.*

The worse place to find yourself in life is a point mentally where you feel you've gone as far as you can at some aspect, have hit the wall and can't go any further.   DO NOT let yourself fall into this end-game trap, it's all bullshit.   Your brain remains plastic enough all throughout your life to be able to change basic aspects of your nature, you just have to fight through the inertia of the old conditioning.   I like to think of these as dry-rotted neurons that need recharging.

Reality is the key -- the UC learns from the reality that you present to it, not through book learning.  Use "book learning" to show your conscious mind how to create those real life situations (physical action / activity) that will eventually train your UC to have a different "opinion" of yourself.  The UC schools itself in the world of action and experience, that's why positive thinking can only take you so far.   It's strictly an internal process that, while useful for it's effects on the conscious mind, doesn't dig in deep enough into the UC to challenge and change those stubborn negative, disempowering beliefs that are currently messing you up.

So despite the fact that it "knows" everything's all bullshit (and I used to think this way too... it might be the 5'5" thing, otherwise known as the "little man's disease" ;-), use your conscious mind to place yourself into situations where reality has an opportunity to slap your unconscious mind upside it's neurons and re-arrange it's deep belief system and assumptions about life, love and your role in the entire scheme of things.   That's how you make dramatic sea changes in your life.   Get busy.


* I realize that some of you guys reading this are young and maybe haven't heard the old saw about "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"    A philosophical puzzle my dad used to like to hammer me with whenever he thought I was being too much of a smart ass know-it-all.  If you're a believer in Creation then the answer is the chicken I suppose.  If you understand evolution however, then you know that all species of life appear gradually over enormous spans of time (which is why the process is invisible) by morphing from simpler creatures that came before them in a long, constant continuum.   Rewinding this process it takes you back to the very first animated particle of life at the dawn of Earth.   So the correct answer in this case (if you want to impress someone as a know-it-all smart ass) is "neither... what came first was an initial 'genesis' molecule of RNA that self-replicated a copy of itself, thus crossing the line from inanimate to animate matter".   Now you know why I kept getting sent to my room.   But that's okay, because that's where this little wise guy had all his dirty magazines stashed anyway... ;-)

Mike,

I moved in with a chick (roommate) and ended up sending out all the wrong signals.  Not only does she probably not look at me as a man now, I don't think she even respects me at all.   Here's what happened... I wasn't really that attracted to her at first, but I soon realized that she was hot, smart, talented and cool.  The fact that she doesn't give a shit about me, except sometimes maybe as a friend figure, is driving me nuts!...   It was part of my motivation to go out and get your book.   That motivation has not yet translated into me hooking up yet, unfortunately.   I have lived with her for four months now, and she hasn't even seen me go out on a real date or have any girls over, so the loser tag is all over me.

I am working on my weight since that will help my confidence and hopefully at some point I can get a clear signal to start the process you talk about in your book.  I can't do anything about my short penis size however, and that remains something that just keeps running through my head when I start thinking that things might get sexual... which fucks me up and makes me even more awkward.

So now I have the misfortune of liking the girl I live with and having to listen when she is banging some other guy... who by the way seduced her very much like you say to in your book!

Any thoughts that you could share with me would be appreciated.  I wish I read your books many years ago because my life has sucked in this regard and I knew nothing of your concepts.  I may even buy some copies and send them to a few friends for Xmas.   Guys don't talk about this shit, but they should.   Anyway, thanks for the help.

Ray


Hi Ray,

Yeah, the code of male silence keeps us all in the dark.   Hate to say it but this pretty much sounds like a dead-end deal with this girl that you're rooming with -- once you lose the respect of a woman as a man, and they file you away in some part of their brain reserved for guys who they'll never date or mate with, it's pretty much over.   This game of seduction is made or broken within the first few minutes of contact -- it's all about making an enticing first impression and then keeping a steady pressure of romantic escalation on.   You've got to know what you want, and then go for it shamelessly.   That's where you sound like you might've gone wrong.   Try to cultivate an HSM vibe like I talk about in the book and broadcast it around cute girls all the time -- and then keep watching for any interested return signals.   Those are always your best chances and how you can play this game without destroying your ego.

This "loser pattern" you complain about will just happen over and over again until you learn to project a better, less needy attitude around women that doesn't turn them off... or whatever it is specifically that you're doing that accomplishes this feat.

You sound like you also have some of that body dimorphic stuff going on, which is a situation where you hold a distorted unconscious mental view of how you must appear physically to others.   Lots of guys get themselves fixated on irrelevant stuff like penis size.   Look, dick size is always a crapshoot for girls... no woman knows what any guy's packing until it's too late and she's already agreed to get naked with him!   This is really a non-issue, at least as far as nailing any chick for the first time, and it needs to just be ignored.   And being a physically big guy is not necessarily a factor either -- it's how you carry the weight that counts.

If you feel that you're not in shape and it bothers you then join a club and get busy working out.   Lose the weight and harden up, AND get some testosterone pumping in your veins... it will force your attitude to change just by the improved way that you'll carry yourself and perk up your more animal instincts around women.   Too much flab increases your estrogen levels and robs you of your sex drive -- this is why fat guys are often mocked as big pussies... it's the way they act more so than how they look.

The only way to change these mental things that ruin us is to know and understand what you're doing (read the book, you already sound like you know a lot) and then refuse to engage in the same self-destructive choices and patterns that mess you up each time.   Wherever you're at in your life right now is the result of all the decisions that you made up until this point in time, that's all.   Make different decisions about how to think about yourself and act around women, and you'll end up in a different (better?) place.   That's really the only "trick" to life.

Hi Mike,

My name is Andy.  I am 22 and entering my final semester in college.  I want to complement you for the book Without Embarrassment.  Before reading your book, I was way too shy to approach girls and I became too much of a nice guy throughout high school and college.  I thought being a nice guy was the way to go since girls always complained about wanting to find a nice guy!

Your book has helped me make better eye contact, approach girls more, and to stop being an emotional tampon.  My problem has been that my friends and I generally have hung out with the same group of girls throughout my 3 and half years at college.  My 3 roommates are chick magnets but all of them have settled down with hot girlfriends now, except for me of course.  I feel like being too much of nice guy has hurt my reputation.  I am starting to get desperate because I have less than 4 months left of college and my opportunity is ending.  I guess I am looking for any sort of advice.  Thank you very much for any help you can give me.

Andy


Hi Andy

At this point there's nothing I can tell you that will radically turn your luck around in 4 months, but there's no need to panic over the approaching end of school or lamenting opportunities missed -- they are all water under the bridge now.   The important thing is to look forward to the approach of the "real" working world that you'll soon be entering and concentrate on re-creating your attitude and your game in ways that I describe in the book.

Many of the "techniques" that guys use in high school/college (mostly bar tricks) don't work so great once you're in a more adult world anyway, and so you have to adapt and make use of more sophisticated ideas like the ones I try to teach.   So basically everyone has to start over with a clean slate anyway is what I'm saying.   You probably lack some experience with women, but that's really the only advantage your buddies have gained over you at this point.   This is not insurmountable -- you can catch up fast once you make a few scores.  Plus, once you get away from this environment where you are a "known" quantity and perhaps marked as being out on the social fringes, you can begin to do things correctly and build a better image for yourself.   Review what I said about charisma in my book.

As for being a nice guy... the correct way to do the nice guy deal is with an edge.  Nice only means "harmless" to women, not kiss-ass or desperate for affection.  You're nice only because you don't dis her as a complete whore -- not because you're willing to drop everything and come running over to unclog her kitchen sink when she calls.   It's the idea behind the chapter heading in my first book, Comfortable Wimps, Tough Men.  If you take pains to insure that you are never being the least bit of a problem to her and always a positive helpful friend, then that's exactly what you are, a friend.   There is no sexual juice here, because this type of behavior in men is considered submissive.   And supplicant behavior does not provoke a woman's unconscious mating instincts.   Sorry, but it just doesn't.

On the other hand, if you can be a tough guy (emotionally) and withstand having to be the cause of a few tears in her life, you'll send a little spear of electricity straight through all those bad feelings and light a match directly beneath those very same instincts.  This is where the triggers for love and infatuation are to be had -- nature intends it to be so.  These "delusional" mind-states get the two of you to physically copulate before your higher minds can get in the way and stop you.   All such a beautiful ballet, born of biologic necessity.   You can't fight this process or find a "work around" for it -- you must learn to surf it instead.

As you pass through various phases of your life you will have to re-adapt all your methods of doing things along the way -- and women will become also easier and more forgiving to deal with as you move out of the very tough school years... where their immaturity causes them to focus only on the most "happening" and "hottest" guys... and ignore guys like yourself who have more subtle qualities that are less superficial but more stable and longer lasting.  (And... that make for great relationships!)   Your goal is to polish those qualities and display them with more confidence so that you get yourself on the radar screens of these women.  Once they begin to pay more attention to you, things get easier and require less raw courage... and that makes it possible even for men who are introverted to access their share of opportunities.

There is this girl at my school, she is very hot and has a spunky fun loving attitude.  The very first time I saw her though I acted very immature, needy, and clingy. I started writing letters to her asking for more of her attention.  Soon, I realized that this was completely suicidal!   Last year I began to become more mature, and she started to ease up on the bitch shield somewhat.   Now I'm able to talk to her just fine and sometimes even make her laugh.  I have three questions...

First, there is this other guy who she is always hanging around with and who I think is a pretty good friend of hers.   Although you wouldn’t know it at first glance (because he looks like your average nerd) he seems to trump me in all the crucial places.   He is way wittier than I am and better with the physical contact and body language.  He's in every class that I have with her, so she often pays more attention to him than me.  How do I compete against this guy?

Second, is it possible to move this relationship any further, even after the fact that she’s known me for more than 3 years and during that time I did some really stupid shit?

Third, supposing that I could make her mine, there is one big problem in the way.  She already has a boyfriend, a guy who knows how to show her excellent sex and who is by far the most confident, cocky, alpha-male guy that I have ever known.   He embodies the ‘bad boy’ persona, can make anyone laugh, can belittle even the most confident of men, and if angered, can be an extremely dangerous dude to try and fight.   Luckily, he doesn’t go to my school anymore because he graduated, but this girl is still crazy about him.   So, again, supposing there was a way that I could make her mine, how would I go about both dismantling her from him and dealing with him if we ever had a confrontation?

Greg


Hi Greg,

Sheesh, this is pretty much a lost cause and I'll tell you why... almost everything to do with scoring women hinges on the first impression, and yours was not only bad it was bad and lengthy.  Whenever you find that you've dug yourself a deep hole, the first rule is always to STOP DIGGING!   If you fuck up and make a really bad first, un-romantic impression on a woman, and then dig the hole even deeper like you did with all that clingy shit, you're double dead from that point on.  If she files you away in the loser category then that's where you tend to stay, and the passage of time does little to help the situation.

It's all about that initial snap of chemistry, and if she doesn't feel it you're not going to be feeling anything either!

You need to compete with other men by doing what I talk about all throughout the book by doing those things that make you more attractive to women.   At your age, male status is mostly about athletic power and the ability to intimidate other men into respecting you.   As you get older, you can improve your status by acquiring money and position / authority in society.   For now, this is a great lesson in how NOT to present yourself to a woman.   These other guys were able to do it in a way that got her thinking about them in sexy-romantic ways.   The way you did it was just the opposite and the effect lingered on.

Guys tend to forgive and forget over the course of time and grant second chances -- women remember everything like it just happened yesterday.  Even if you did improve your game and presentation to her 1000% (which should be your goal), you will always be that nerd who acted like an asshole -- and she won't be badgered or tricked into feeling any other way about you.   I know this sucks to hear, but if I don't tell you who will?   You're young, there are tons of women still out there for you. Obsessing makes you look weak... because the HSM has an abundance of women in his life, right?   This is the attitude you need to adopt, even if you're not there yet.   You can bet her "bad boy" boyfriend gives off this vibe!

Pull the lesson out of this deal and move forward -- your future success will ultimately be your best revenge.  I fucked the duck with about 3 different girls just like this when I was in HS and was never able to recover from it.  To this day they still probably think I'm a fool!

My victory is that I don't give a shit anymore.  I moved on and created newer, better memories with new women, and those others have faded away into the haze of history.  Time for you now to dump the past and move forward with a clean slate as well.

Hi Mike,

I am 30 years old and attending my first speed dating event in mid-March.  Any advice, tips, etc. on what to say to spark an attraction and make a great first impression with a woman, given the limited time available.  Thanks a bunch,

Dave


Dave,

I never went to one of these events, but if I did I think I'd take a chance on NOT taking the whole thing too seriously.  I would try to play it like a bit of a character, and just flirt and tease around with each girl during my entire time allotment.   I figure this has got to better than just sitting there trading name-rank-and serial number with each one... just like every other guy will likely be doing.  Boring!   Serve up clever little teasing answers to her standard "what do you do" kind of questions and all that sort of BS -- be playfully evasive, and make sure to do a ton of "flirting with your eyes".

This will make you stand out from the mass of boring nervous guys trying to make it sound like they still don't live at home with their mom when she asks.   I'll bet that more than a few of the chicks will mark you down for further "investigation".   I guess this is how the rules work anyway.   And why not?... at least you showed that you had a brain in your head and that you weren't too nervous and desperate to goof around a bit.

It's also a great way for you to screen out all the stiffs who can't take a joke AND the mental lightweights who don't get what you're doing.  They set these things up so that the guy is giving an audition.   Fuck that, turn it around on them!

I have struggled with autism all my life which allows me to function academically but has limited my social skills.  The only experiences I've had with women were with a girl who was severely overweight and 2 others that I had met when I was hospitalized briefly with depression.   In 2003, I started having an early "midlife crisis" which has prompted me to lose 45 pounds.  I have continued and will continue to maintain the buff and lean physical condition.

My personality has changed in the past few years from being the submissive nice guy to the asshole jock type after putting up with women making remarks about me being a doormat.   I have a great amount of resentment towards women and this gets in the way of interacting with them to the point where I become cold and aloof.

My biggest torment is at the gym where not a day goes by without the sight of the twenty-somethings working out on the cardio machines.   I've been told that at my age they are out of my league.  However, I have talked to other guys who are about my age, and such differences did not limit their success.   Would you mind telling me what is in my league in terms of women I could realistically pursue age-wise and possibly include a couple pictures of such women that I can use as a benchmark.

Will


Hi Will,

The whole "in your league" thing is the wrong way to approach this.  No high status male wonders if he's in any woman's league... he lets her worry if she's in HIS.  Your problem is not any age difference, but this resentment that you claim to have.  It's making you send out signals that repel women by making you seem weird or possibly even dangerous to them.  What they look like means nothing and is a matter of your own personal taste, which I cannot define for you by sending you any pictures.  They are all potentially yours to go after as you see fit.

You need to act open, friendly and interesting to women in order to get on their radar.  They are the ones who select the men, and will signal their interest back to him in some way, most often with solid eye contact.   Remember how I talked about charisma in the book?  It's all about making other people feel GOOD about themselves by having encountered you.   Do you make women feel this way by complimenting and flirting with them -- or are you creeping them out with a nasty glare or a refusal to make eye contact?  There's your answer.  All of those other factors that you listed about yourself including your physical look (which is fine) never come into play if you don't break down your barriers and begin presenting yourself in a way that fascinates at the moment of first contact.   My new book gives lots of pointers about making this first impression work in your favor rather than against you.

You've worked to buff up physically, which helps to get you noticed... but that was the easy part.   Now you have to put all the mental mistakes of the past behind you and buff up your attitude and start making yourself seem more fun and approachable to women, or all that work will have been wasted.   Don't let your disability or late start be an excuse -- you learned electrical engineering, you can learn to do this.   Let go of the hate and the rage -- it's time to outgrow all of that shit and get busy living your life to the fullest.

Hi Mike,

About having a "clever wit".   Would you describe humor as an essential, indispensable element in the game of seduction, or just something that could be helpful?   I ask this because I'm usually pretty damn funny around my male friends, but I have the sense that chicks respond to a different kind of humor, one that I am not skilled at.   As a result, when I'm with a girl and we're having fun, I usually freeze-up and have a hard time finding something funny to say.

Thanks,
Ben


Hi Ben

Humor is a signal of a "normal" person who seems socially at ease and comfortable with himself and the people around him.  That's the sort of "status marker" effect it communicates to women anyway.   Ever notice how truly psycho personalities never smile or laugh (except when something bad happens to someone else), and are always scowling and miserable?

That's why you want to always demonstrate a sense of humor -- without acting like a complete clown, of course.   What sort of humor do you practice around your male buddies?   Women are drawn to humor based on the clever observation of the absurd in the form of a comment that exposes the ordinary in a unique way that's funny and draws a giggle.  You don't have to go crazy with humor, but you do need a touch of it here and there to keep things from getting too tense.  It's hard to "teach" humor on a written page.  Watch as many old Seinfeld re-runs as you can and study how this guy handles absurdist humor.  This is good training for you.   At the very least the contrast between his type of humor and your own may reveal where you're going wrong.   Adjust accordingly.