Mike,

The strangest thing has happened.  The week before Christmas, Beverly let me know in no uncertain terms that she was not interested in getting together for Christmas weekend.   She hasn't called me for two weeks now, and it's funny... I seem to not be concerned about it.

Before I got your book, I would have been very depressed about this sort of thing.   My jazz playing is front and center again, and I've been of the attitude lately that if some woman wants to share in my life, great.  If not, that's fine too.   I've been working on 3 or 4 girls over the past month, and it's been fun.  I seem to have much more confidence.  Your book really has helped me.

Harry


Hi Harry,

Success in a man's life is not measured by how many women he beds, but by how he comes to view himself as a man.  Your story is more valuable to me than five guys getting laid for the first time.  That would've happened eventually with the help of my book or not, but maybe the change that you experienced wouldn't have.

Sometimes you can take the entire trajectory of your life and pivot it off into a different direction on the axis of a single transformative experience.   My book and the philosophy that underlies it are really about getting yourself unstuck from the kind of worthless "thinking ruts" that we get ourselves trapped in, and then learning how to find yourself by taking an entirely new path through life.   It all begins with breaking loose of those poisonous repeating-thought-patterns that keep us stuck in one place.

All it takes is a few shocking life experiences to produce an entirely different regard of oneself, from which there is no going back.

Hi Mike,

I am on my third reading of your book.  I must say that after each reading It seems to be soaking into the old subconscious a little bit deeper.  I have a question about the issue of establishing yourself as a HSM. 

What if you meet a girl and you find out that you've both jumped into sex after the first or second date and that it was often a mistake.  None of these type of quickie relationships ever went well for either of us.   We have both talked about it and agree that there needs to be some time to get to know another person if you are eventually looking for a lasting relationship (she is looking for Mr. Right and thinks she has wasted a lot of years chasing after losers).   The only problem is -- I am afraid of waiting TOO long.  Ya know, after reading your book, I am now petrified of being labeled as a buddy or the dreaded "friend" if things go on too long like this (with no sex)!!! 

What if I tell her: "I usually have girls falling all over me after the first few dates, but it never goes anywhere.   I want to make this something special with you this time -- so lets wait a month or two, and if we aren't ripping each others clothes off by then, maybe it just wasn't in the cards for us."

Is it too corny or Low Status to say shit like this?... or is this the right thing to do with someone that you think might be a keeper?   I have to tell you this women is 39, a 9.5 with a jogger's build... 5' 7" with the body of a 15 year old... perfect skin that smells like heaven... Sorry, I got carried away!   But you did say that when you find your perfect body-type you can't pass it up, right?

Ron


Hey Ron,

Thanks for writing and for your continued study of the book, you are truly the motivated student! ;-) 

The whole thing about the male HSM aura is most valuable in creating an initial attraction with a woman so as to have her set you up in her mind as a guy she could potentially take as a lover.  Once she's made this evaluation of you and accepted you in this potentially romantic way, it's alright to act in ways that you might otherwise consider to be "LSM", since you're kind of "home free" now to some extent.  Naturally you can't revert to a complete sniveling wimp or her mind will change about you fast, but what you describe in your e-mail certainly isn't going that far.

It's very mature to do what you're doing with her -- delaying the sex and extending the courtship phase.  This is a great way to build anticipation... which is a key element of seduction.  The tease, the waiting.  It's there to savor like a fine meal... rather than wolf down like a Quarter pounder.   You both have experienced how fast your feelings for someone can fade when this aspect is missing and you hit the bedroom too soon.  I think you're playing this perfectly -- and that dialog you wrote was right on the money... it's exactly the sentiment you want to convey to her.  She's no kid any more so she should be beyond the one night stand BS and ready for a guy like you who wants to take the relationship more seriously.   Pushing to get her into bed right away isn't HSM anyway but just false machismo really, the idea of the quick conquest and all.   This produces a cute fantasy that can be very intense, but it doesn't have much staying power over the long haul. 

For that, the physical must be a final punctuation mark to a grand emotional connection, which takes time to establish.

Stay the course with her -- there is little danger of her putting you in the friend category now as she's already pegged you with "lover potential".   You're beyond that phase of attraction now, the first impression and all.   Just make sure you keep plenty of hands on her and frequent kissing and so forth to establish the momentum towards the bedroom... but let her continue to guess when the big moment will arrive.   If this girl can't be set up and courted in this way and love every minute of it, then she's got big problems that you probably won't be able to solve.

Hi Mike

My new girlfriend told me something the other day that just kinda pisses me off.   It's about her ex-boyfriend -- which she stayed with for a couple years -- who was basically a piece of dogshit the way I see it.   All these stories of drama and how he made her balloon up to a huge weight and everything (she's lost it all since then, and looks great now).

I realize I have my faults too, but why is this fuckin' abusive shit so common?  My girl is really pretty, and I ask myself how the fuck this could've happened?  I know her father was not a big part of her life, and her home life is kinda bananas as well sometimes.   What's going on here do you think?

Dave


Hey Dave,

If you end up marrying this girl and ever have daughters with her, remember this ... 

...a girl's FATHER becomes the working model for all her future lovers.

These girls with bum-ass dads who ignored them or are drunks or were just never there for them mess these chicks up more than you might imagine.  Women like this develop a kind of radar that allows them to spot the EXACT same kind of loser their dad was, so they can they latch right onto him.  Why?  Who knows... maybe they want a second chance to "fix" daddy and make it all better this time around?   It never works of course.  Half these parents out there don't seem to understand that the goal of raising kids is to produce well-balanced adults twenty years in the future, not little well-behaved machines designed to fix mom and dad's own fucked-up head problems.

Shit, there's an idea that will fly along with the pigs once they get around to sprouting wings.

If you have a great, loving dad who builds esteem in his little girl -- she becomes a rational adult who knows enough to naturally avoid these kind of jerks.  Those who catch the bad treatment spend the rest of their lives chasing ghosts.   Judging from the success that all the pricks and losers of the world have scoring hot women, there's a great deal of damaged goods walking around just looking to be hurt again.   Sad but true.

Mike,

Here is the situation.  My social skills blow.  I am 25.   I have kept to myself for a long time and I am trying to change.  I read your book, but thought I would ease into dating by trying to meet someone online.   I was using a website for this and I IM'ed a girl, 21, that had just signed up.   After I IM'ed her, I noticed she selected "friend and e-mail/chat" only.   So I asked what the deal was.   She told me she was looking for friends, but if anything more than that developed it would be fine.

She is very busy with projects and our work schedules conflicted a little, so I asked her if we could get together and set up a meeting before the semester ends, which we did.  Here's my concern... how do I go about trying to show interest in a relationship without scaring her away?   Remember, she wasn't looking for a relationship according to her profile, but she did say if anything developed that would be okay.

There was a section of her profile that asked "what is your ideal first date".  I copied and pasted her response here:

                     "I'm a completely hopeless romantic.  So pretty much, 
                    if you do anything sweet and romantic, I'll be happy."

She makes it sound easy, but I just don't know.   At first I asked her to meet in a building on campus.  The building with the bookstore, cafeteria, lounge area, etc.  I thought that would be a good neutral place to meet a stranger off of the internet, but now we are meeting after the semester is over, and I'm not sure what to do.   Where should I take her and what should I do?

Paul


Hi Paul,

A few things here... I'm not a real big fan of this online setup stuff -- it's okay, but the visual look of a woman is a big deal for most men and is in fact a deal-breaker usually.  You've got to see what you've got on the line.   The first order of business therefore is to arrange to meet her in person ASAP before you go off the deep end and start worrying about this and that.  I can see it in the question you ask: "how can I show interest in a relationship without turning her away?".   Brother, after you get a look at her, you may want to RUN away!   Hook up with her at a coffee shop or a local Borders somewhere and see what you've got here first.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy yet.  Just a recon mission.

I have a couple of intuitions here... one is that she's probably all into her career or whatever and it might be tough hooking up with her if you do start dating.   Be careful not to fall into the trap of being the one who's always calling up and begging to get together.   This is not the HSM attitude you want to give off, it shows a scarcity mentality rather than one of social abundance.   I don't care if scarcity is the genuine truth about you, you still don't want to let her know that you're a rookie.  Second, this crack she dropped about "anything romantic & sweet you can do makes me happy" sounds like it could be a fat chick red-flag.   All the more reason to get her in a face-to-face situation.

When you meet her, if you dig her, just be up front about wanting to date and move things towards a relationship -- if she starts giving you a song and dance about her work load and all that other crap you know that you really haven't ignited a spark in her, which means that all future encounters will be like pulling teeth.   This is how you test for interest. TEST for it -- don't beg for it.   My advice is to save yourself further grief if that's the case and pull the ripcord.   Put her back in the water and toss your fishing hook back in.   This is not your one and only last chance forever, lose that mindset right now.   You can probably set up get-together dates like an assembly line using that online system, so do it.

The important thing is that you got your ass motivated and are actually DOING something real about your social life now instead of just thinking and hoping. Excellent!   Just put in the time and effort, you'll make a breakthrough with one of these chicks soon enough, and then you're on your way.   Let me know what happens when you actually see her.

Hi.  I just finished reading "Without Embarrassment" and found it to probably be the best material there is on the topic of meeting and understanding all about girls.   There is, however, one small mistake I'd like to point out:   On page 171, you say "but don’t tell her that it’s to catch the new episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, ok?"   Well, there are, in fact, NO new episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."   That show went out of production 10 years ago.

Perhaps you could change it to "a re-run of Star Trek: The Next Generation."?

Anyway, the fact that I know this much about Star Trek probably has some connection with why I need your book so badly, but I'm sure that many of your readers will probably catch that mistake as well.

Bugger


Dammit Bugger... I guess I'll have to turn in my pointed ears now!

Dude, how do you stay motivated?   In the past few months I've talked to a number of women.   Here's the results:

1 date, but no number second date.   Whatever, it's cool

3 married chicks

4 chicks with "serious" boyfriends

3 straight up disses.   I'm sorry dude, I didn't follow your system and got smoked.

1 alcoholic

1 lesbian

1 asexual chick.   I kid you not, brother.   I only later did I hear about her game from a friend.   She doesn't want a dude or a lady.   I've read that 1% of the population is asexual.   Jeez, that's fucked up.

2 unreturned e-mails suggesting we meet for a beverage at a coffee house,etc.

I guess I just gotta keep improving and throwing it out there.   There's no way I'm going back to my old girlfriend.   Sorry 'bout the diatribe, my man

Peace out, player
Ray


Hey Ray,

You sure get the A+ for Effort my friend, no doubt.  Asexuals too!   There was a time when I seemed to specialize in finding those 1%er's who didn't want to have sex with me.  They could run but they couldn't hide!  ;-)

Seriously, everything in this world works in streaks... hot & cold.   Whenever I hit a cold streak like you're in, I pull in my horns and turtle up for awhile.   Work on self-improvement, hit the gym, take up a new hobby, whatever.   Let the thing turn itself around and wait for the fish to come swimming back my way.   You can't get too obsessed over this meeting and dating shit or it will destroy you.   I sometimes figure that when you start trying too hard like this, some kind of desperation starts to leak through your presentation of yourself without your even knowing it, and it fucks up your vibe and reinforces the bum streak.   Just a hunch I have.

Motivation works in streaks too, no sense chasing after it when it dries up (you should try staying motivated writing these big-ass books like I do -- sometimes I would rather just get baked and watch The View than do all this fuckin' thinking.)   It will return when it's good and ready.   Use the downtime to polish your HSM appeal and let Nature take its sluggish course.

Sorry to be bothering you, but I trust in your teachings and I know that you can help me.   I am working on my toxic shame -- I have bought the book "Healing the Shame that Binds You" and I'm beginning to better understand this problem.   And I would like to thank you for your responses, because you respect your readers and this is fantastic.

I am facing a new problem and I would like some advice.  This case involves a girl called Dani (she studies with me at college) who I think I have fallen into the "Let's Just be Friends Zone" with.   I worked a lot to change this scenario and I thought my situation was improving.   One day I had lunch with her and we laughed, sometimes I touched her, etc.   It was really good I thought.

So I invited her to go to the cinema with me and she accepted.   But yesterday when I called her she wasn't home.   Today I called her again and the bitch gave me an amazing amount of excuses why she couldn't go out with me... she had to study for her tests, it was raining, etc.   I tried to pretend that I really didn't care and said to her that we could go out another day.   But the truth is that I want to send her to hell because I am really, really angry.   Who does she think she is?   Should I say something to her about this when I see her at school next week?

Artie


Hi Artie,

Sorry to hear about the crash and burn, but this is the sort of thing that often happens when you let yourself fall into the friends trap with women.   Women mistake your very gradual attempts to move a buddy-buddy relationship towards a romantic one as just a sweet expression of your "nice guy friendly" nature.   They misinterpret it, in other words.   Then, when they suddenly catch on what you're actually trying to do (date them), they get scared and run away.

You may feel led-on and used and enraged, but you're the one who ruined everything when you suddenly tried to turn things around and get it on with her, is how she feels.   The girl doesn't understand your unexpected change of heart -- women don't get it that men don't mentally compartmentalize members of the opposite sex the same way they do.   We can develop lust for a girl as time goes by even if there was none present at first, but women make these quick initial judgements of men as either "friend or hottie" and rarely seem to change their minds, no matter what happens from that point on.   (One of the few things they don't seem willing to change their minds about, damn it!!)

That's why I harp on guys endlessly that they must always start off on the correct foot with women and make their romantic interest as a man known right away by generous flirting and teasing right from the start.   You CANNOT try sneaking into her pants by coming across as a sexually-disinterested buddy and then suddenly reversing field once you get your foot in the door.   She views this as a cowardly way around your obligation to create chemistry with her.   Women live for the "snap of chemistry" with men -- they are uninterested in guys who want to move in on them gradually on the sly, even though many chicks secretly love to watch movies like "When Harry Met Sally" over and over again which deals precisely with this very theme.   Go figure.

Here's my 90-90 Rule: she forms 90% of her opinion of you (hot guy, neutral, repulsive, friendly nice guy with no passion, etc.) in the first 90 seconds of meeting you!   Where you end up at the end of this "rapid filing process" is where you will stay!   This is why it's important to always keep your HSM mojo running at full power at all times, as you never know when a chance meeting (what I call your "best chance") will turn into something cool and special.  You need to be walking around with your 'tude locked and loaded at all times or Fate will have the last laugh.

Next time, follow the guidelines in the book and establish your potentially romantic interest in her right away to avoid all this time-wasting, enraging, bullshitting around.   You've learned a lesson here -- take the data out and dump the emotion.   Write me all about your rage if you must -- writing is therapeutic.   Leave her alone though -- no nasty stuff.   How you react to her will be seen and gossiped about by other women in your social circle, and if you get a reputation as an irrational LSM hothead around the neighborhood / campus, you're dead.   Be cool and move on.   This will enhance your reputation, instead of poisoning it.

Mike,

First let me say I am not writing this time to bitch about any problems that women have given me, but rather my question this time pertains to a potential problem that I could run into, which I seriously want to avoid.

I met this girl online who I've gone out with about six times now (three times in the past week) and had sex with on the fourth date last Saturday (with a little help from some HSM techniques, he-he).   I feel that the two of us have really good chemistry, and of all the girls I've gone out with I click the best with her.   Problem is appearance-wise... she looks good but has something of a gut that's rather noticeable.   Is there any known way to address that without gettin' my head takin off?   This isn't a huge issue with me or anything, but I still wanted your thoughts on it before I attempted to bring it up with her.

My second question is about the nature of guys.   Why is it cool for us to go on endlessly about how great a girl's ass is or how big her boobs are, but I never hear anything about how great it is to be with her as a person, or anything else that's meaningful about having a relationship?   Look, I'm straight as all hell, but I never hear any of my buddies talk about women this way and I just think it's fricken' ridiculous.

Your very pleased student,
Dave


Alright Dave,

Good to hear from you again.

1 ) The only way you can possibly pull off a weight loss deal without getting beheaded is to go into an exercise program yourself AND ASK HER TO JOIN YOU.   Get a couple of health club memberships for the two of you.   Maybe you can find a 2 for 1 special or something in your area.   You in effect are saying: "let's get healthy and in shape together", instead of making a judgment of her and saying "you need to shape up", which she would naturally take as insulting.   This way you concede that you too could use some work -- plus it's a cool thing the two of you can share, it improves your sex drive, etc.   Sell it like that.

2 ) The reason for the apparent embargo on male sensitivity about this subject ties directly into why I can sell tons of books about it -- the "macho" code of men makes it embarrassing and uncomfortable for us to discuss any of our real feelings or emotions with each other.   Notice how even YOU had to qualify the question to me by first stating that you were "straight" so that I wouldn't get the wrong idea about you for even asking it!   Men don't talk about anything substantial when they get together.   It's all surface shit like sports and work or just good natured ragging on each other.

Because none of us shares anything about how we deal with women or provides any personal advice or help or sympathy to his male friends, we all grow up in an information vacuum concerning this subject.   We're just supposed to "know" all about dealing with women somehow -- magically -- as if it were an instinct or something.   Dare to tell your buddies about your personal problems with some girl and they'll just rag you out because it's an embarrassing display of weakness for men to show emotion and self-doubt in front of each other.   The bubble stays sealed tight.

Look at women... they constantly give each other advice -- talk about their men, share problems, and slowly teach each other how to deal with them.   That's why they're so highly advanced in the romance field compared to us, and regard most of us guys as dumb-ass retards who couldn't find their ass with both hands in a locked closet (but we DO know where are dicks are ;-).   It's also why, when you fuck up and make clumsy self-destructive moves, they have no sympathy at all and will make trying to court them a living hell for you.   My book fills a big gap in most guy's knowledge created by this sad situation by giving advice through a neutral source which they aren't ashamed to access.

Unfortunately, with the exception of perhaps a very close friend (and you usually only get ONE of these per lifetime), your relationship with your more casual male buds will remain like this until you're all in your graves.

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