Dear Mike,

You are the man!... such a class act -- you actually read and respond to the emails sent to you by us seducer-hopefuls, even though you already have our money for the wonderful e-book.   One thing that I have come to notice about myself, now that I am discovering a new me that is no longer burdened by toxic shame, is that I am more sincere with myself and others.   When I compliment others, it is genuine, whereas before it was mostly contrived and fashioned to elicit a favorable impression of me.   I was so self-centered!

I am hoping you can help me with something of an issue I am having.   I work in a science lab, and there are a couple of labs on the same floor as mine.   There is this young woman, a college student, who works in one of the adjoining labs.   She is cute, and seems to have a fun personality.   We know each other's names, but have had limited contact due to the nature of our work.   I've been friendly with her, but am careful not to be 'nice' and act like a suckass.   I'm not entirely sure, but I am getting vibes from her that she might be interested in me, and is waiting for me to do something.   She'll call me by name, and look at me and smile, and sometimes will do this getting my attention when I am busy working on something and she happens to pass by.

I would definitely be up for flirting with this girl, but there is the problem that we are in a very special work environment.   It would be perceived as highly unusual if I were to saunter over to where she was and start flirting with her in a romantic way.   Friendly 'buddy' chatter might be fine, but flirting with sexual overtones would be problematic.   The lab heads are always around, and even if they were not, my professional relationships with colleagues would most definitely be hurt.   I do not want to jeopardize my ability to obtain good references from this job.

With all of these in the way, would it be better to just let it be as it is, or can you suggest some way I can get her with me someplace else away from work?   In situations such as these, when my job is rather important, is it unwise to try to get a flirt going with someone at the workplace?  Thanks so much for listening!

Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for writing and for your kind comments about the book, glad to see that it's helping to straighten out your thinking about this subject... AND yourself.

Your situation at work can be tricky and you certainly don't want to do anything to mess up your career path by making a dumb, heavy-handed move.   Many companies have very strict policies when it comes to sexual harassment, and the guy is always at the disadvantage in the sense that the woman's claims are always taken seriously, and it's the guy who has to prove his innocence.   Unlike the American justice system where the accused is presumed innocent, these things can be more like the Salem witch trials where you get accused of witchcraft and brought before a tribunal to prove to them that you are NOT a witch!

The thing to understand about harassment is that it's always in the eye of the beholder insofar as the woman is concerned.   The key thing to watch for is if she seems to be sending you signals (non-verbal) that she likes you, IN ADVANCE of your actions.   If she does, then your advance is seen as a harmless, playful flirt which she enjoys.  If, however, she doesn't dig you or actually dislikes you, then the EXACT SAME MOVE can be perceived as unwanted harassment!

So your instincts about her are crucial -- the risk of getting into trouble with your employer hinges on how well you've made this read of her apparent feelings about you.  Eye contact and how she seems to regard you with her eyes is a very keen non-verbal indicator of desire or disinterest.

The lowest risk play is to limit the amount of actual flirting at work until you can arrange some way to meet her outside of work.   Would it seem natural to join her for lunch some time?   Just seek some common ground at that little lunch meet, get her laughing, and when you've got her in a high state of positive emotions... that's the best time to escalate and ask for a more formal dinner date or even a coffee get together outside the work cafeteria.   If she refuses, then just drop it and move on and do not act vindictive and petty or continue to bother her about it.   This sort of petulant behavior can only get you into more trouble.   Plus, if you act with class and dignity in the face of a rejection there's always a chance she might put in the good word about you to another friend or female co-worker.

Remember, the best way to advertise yourself (as a man) is always to let other women carry the water for you with their positive and hopefully friendly gossip.

Dear Mr. Pilinski,

I recently read your book and think it's very good.  I'm not necessarily bad off because I scored a 200-150 on your dominant male test.  I'm 6-1, athletic, almost have my degree, considered to be very good looking.   I have my shy times but also have my bold times.   Yet I've never had a romantic relationship with a woman -- never even kissed one!

The problem is that I'm not aggressive when it comes to attracting women, primarily because I was an athletic nerd all the way up until the end of high school.   In my grade school years I had big glasses and girls would always make fun of me.   In high school I shed the glasses and dressed "cooler", but held the belief that women were still making fun of me in their minds.   My senior year and through my college years I've had attractive women try to drag me out of my shell.

The first time I was so amazed that a woman actually liked me that I came on way too strong and chased after her for a year, unsuccessfully (low status signals, I know).   After this I felt that every time a woman gave me any sort of signal they were just trying to fuck with my mind.   Recently, a very attractive woman tried to drag me out of my shell (she literally placed her hand on my leg and wanted me to go home with her), but this made me feel very uncomfortable and I tried to be just friends.   Ugh!

I think I may present a unique problem in that, unlike a very low status male who can fly under the radar and surprise a woman, I'm on their radar all the fucking time!   In my mind I'm a nerd, but to them I'm some sort of high status.  They expect big things from me.   In the past I've tried to get around their expectations by just being "friends" with them, but I'm sick of it.   How in the heck do I go about building my confidence when the women expect so much of me?

PS: I have seen a few counselors about this, but they all think I'm nuts.
PSS: Your book has been my bible for the last month!

Sincerely,
Dan

Hi Danny,

The non-aggressive thing always hurts you as a man.  In almost all species of animal, including us, the females will not mate with non-aggressive males.  You MUST show some desire to chase after them or they simply have no interest in you, unless... like yourself your physical attractiveness makes you an exception.   There's also the fact that women today (feminism creed) are taking more responsibility for going after what THEY want and will ratchet up the signal strength to really get in your face and make it obvious.

In your case, I think maybe you can't see the forest for the trees.   I think your problem isn't so much a lack of any confidence than it is subducted or buried rage.   Now the ugly ducking has become a swan and suddenly the girls are noticing -- but you still have anger left over from your early shitty treatment at their hands, and your ulterior motive with them is really one of punishment, not hooking up.   You are going to make them pay somehow for the pain they caused you in the past, and... your modus operandi is a passive-aggressive one -- you are going to withhold your love and affection from them.   Why would you want to give love and orgasms to someone you are trying to punish?   You may think you lack confidence but this is just a mask, the anger is the real issue here.   That's why you're a confused, unlikely "high status nerd".   I'm surprised your counselor didn't see this.

You need to deal with this anger, process your old pain and get over your decades-old grudge.   Only then will you be open to accepting these advances from women or making some of your own.

Hey Mike,

I'm really hoping you can help me out.   I've had really bad social anxiety that started when I was like 14...I'm now almost 22.   I'm a lot better than I was, but I still have trouble driving to places I'm not familiar with and meeting girls and stuff.   I still have a constant fear of messing up somehow and looking like a idiot.   I'm a lot better because I started lifting weights and I don't feel as skinny and awkward any more.   I now have some confidence, and I'm absolutely going crazy sitting inside and not having a life!

The reason I sit inside alone?   I have no friends.   I haven't gone out with any friends in like, 5 years.   Because of this I'm terrified of meeting a girl and having her find out that...

1. I'm a 22 year old virgin... never even having had a girlfriend.
2. I've sat inside and wasted years of my life because of this horrible disorder.

How on earth do you hide these things from a girl?   She's going to know when there's no pictures or proof of ever having a girlfriend or going to proms in high school, etc.  Plus she's going to know I'm a virgin for obvious reasons if we do have sex.   What if the girl I meet runs into somebody that knows me from school and tells her how much of a loser I was in high school?   No friends, no girlfriends, picked on, quit school, etc.  I'm just so terribly ashamed of my past.   How could I ever feel like her "man" when she would knows those things?

I know you went through some of these things and I'm sure you've given advice about this matter before.   Do you just be honest right up front with the girl you're dating?   I assume you would be taking a huge risk of scaring her away by telling her "I'm 22, never had a girlfriend, virgin, and I have no friends"

I obviously have no one to talk to except you, so your advice would be so greatly appreciated.  I want to date even though I'm still incredibly shy.   My hormones are driving me insane!   If I don't get pussy soon I think I'm going to lose my mind.   Making things worse, I've actually been called "hot" by some beautiful girls in the past year, and my not being able to do anything about it is making things even worse!

Please respond back with some advice if you can.  Thanks.

Jack

Hi Jack,

Thanks for writing and sorry to hear about this ongoing nightmare that you've been living, maybe I can give you some food for thought to help you out a little.   Although I've never actually had SA, you sound a lot like myself when I was your age in some ways, and one of things that I know you suffer from is a lack of perspective.

I get letters like yours from guys who are 52, not 22.   So relax.  You may think it's the end of the world but you're still very young and have tons of time to straighten yourself out.  You've already taken great positive steps to get yourself improved physically, now you just need to get your mind (actually, your unconscious mind) to catch up to the reality of this newer you.   You see, it still thinks of you as the skinny kid and holds tightly to all the bad ideas you had about yourself, and so this is why you're not seeing any real changes yet in your head from the changes you actually made to your body.

What you need to do is begin with a mental clean slate and make a quantum leap in your attitude, because it is here where we create the reality of our existence... good, bad or ugly.   I'm sure you probably know this on some level.   You must sweep away the shame from the actions in your past whatever they are.  Your "past" is your teenage years, which are now dead and gone and will have a diminishing importance to who you are about to become as you move into adulthood UNLESS YOU CLING TO THESE BAD IDEAS and never let go of them -- in which case you will be writing me again when you're 52 (don't bother, I'll be dead by then ;-(

This whole SA thing is just a phase you're going through, not a lifelong death sentence.

As for your situation with friends... time to break with the past and make all new ones now.   They only know the "old you" anyway and are therefore poisoned.   Get out and join some places where you can meet new people and start off on the right foot with them.   This is vastly easier than trying to convert old friends, who will only hold you back by trying to keep you the same as you are for their own twisted reasons of pecking order and status.   You like to exercise, for instance... so why not start with a health club (I'm assuming you probably work out at home)?

Get a trial membership and try a few different ones before signing up long term.  Visit each a few times and see who actually goes there.   Make sure you find one with a lot of cute women rather than a lot of old farts (like mine! ;-(   Sign up for the classes -- especially stuff like yoga or body sculpting when the women tend to go.   Or try other types of venues if you don't like that one, you must have some interests.  Right? Maybe a book club or astronomy group.   Desensitization will break down your social anxiety slowly by hooking you up with people with whom you share similar interests.  This gives you shit to talk about, an "in", so to speak.

And when you meet these new friends... HAVE A NEW ATTITUDE!

You are not the guy you used to be -- and so drop all his old thoughts, anxieties and assumptions about yourself.  Model the behaviors and attitudes of the type of guy that you want to be and then SELL THAT to everyone you meet.   Play it like a game at first if you have to... like you're on secret camera and you'll win money if you can convince others that you're a normal, interesting guy instead of who you imagine that you are right now.

Fake it until you make it and the attitude becomes absorbed into your unconscious if you have to.  Have patience with this process, you didn't get SA overnight, you won't correct it instantly either.   Incremental improvement, just like you watched your body grow stronger and bigger as you worked out.   Understanding root causes to your problems will help you to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.   We have to try to "understand" our way out of the mental prisons that we create for ourselves, what other way is there?

Think about it, try something.   Take some action to reverse your reality and your thoughts will follow soon enough.   I was exactly in your place at 22 and felt like killing myself from the frustration of a dominant, monster mind that could only put me down inside.   You can kill this fuckin' beast, make it your life's mission!

Mike, first off I have to say that your insights are probably among the most intelligent commentary I've ever come across on what truly motivates human behavior.   Hard to believe that you don't have a doctorate in Psychology -- that you gained all of this knowledge from analysis and self-reinvention.

Hats off to ya!

Anyway, my question is this...  Historically, I haven't had a great deal of difficulty attracting females, but the older that I get, the harder it's becoming.   Now before you groan, let me point out that I'm still only 26, far from middle age or anything.  Just the opposite in fact:

My problem is that I seemed to have stopped physically maturing at the age of 16.

I've always looked young for my age, and I didn't have too much of a problem with girls when I at least looked somewhat close to my age.   However, ten years later, my driver's license photo still appears as if it was taken when I was a kid.   I literally get told every day when I'm out at bars with the boys, or getting carded for cigarettes, etc, that I look like I'm about 12!   I used to be able to brush this off as amusing banter, but now I'm pushing 30 and I still can't even grow facial hair for God's sake!!

Is there any way that baby-faced guys like me can make this work to our advantage, or are we pretty much screwed until our hair turns gray?

Jimmy

Hi Jim,

You're not the first guy to write me with what he believes is some physical characteristic that makes it impossible for him to make any headway with women.  I think in your case you might have gotten a bit over-sensitive about the whole thing... having the baby face can't be all that bad and what really saves you anyway is your size... 6 foot 175.   Can you imagine if you were 5'4" and 120 pounds.   They wouldn't sell you beer with 5 pieces of ID!

People are jealous of your youthful looks, that's why they make note of it.   Trust me they'll all wish they looked like you 20 years from now.   By then you'll have aged somewhat for sure and this won't be any more of a problem -- you can only hold out so long with a youthful look, odd genetics or not.

For now, make sure that you're not doing anything to accentuate your overly youthful appearance like dressing like a kid with the reversed ball cap or something, as this will only reinforce the illusion instead of downplaying it.   Dress as conservative and adult as you can most of the time, or maybe get a few nasty looking tattoos on your forearms or something.   Other than that I wouldn't worry about it. If fact, 90% of this "problem" is mainly in your head... if you fixate on it you'll generate an uncomfortable vibe which does all the real damage.   One of the tricks to maintaining an HSM attitude is to be oblivious of all your shortcomings and just act like they don't exist.   People take all their cues about how they should feeling about you, from you by the way that you seem to feel about yourself.   This is called 'modeling' and is a very powerful way to manipulate people psychologically without their knowing it.

Other than things like weight and hairstyle, you can't change any of the physical characteristics about yourself that are genetically fixed like height or skin color, etc.  You have to change and restructure the way that you think about them instead, broadcast that vibe about yourself, and work the most favorable responses you can get.   Incidentally, have you thought about working UP the age ladder a little?   Lots of women in their mid 30's+ would go for a baby-faced guy I'll bet.   If you're not having any luck in your age band, try that.   Use your head and develop a strategy that you can make work for you.

Hey Mike,

I have a quick question.  It seems that using what I've learned from the book I've pretty much nearly mastered the art of the first meeting, but most of the problems I experience seem to come at the next step, which is calling a girl and asking her out.
I usually wait a few days after meeting to call so as not to seem too eager or desperate.   Should I be doing something different, or would you say there is a numbers game with this element of seduction?   Thanks for your insight.

Jeff

Hi Jeff,

I'm not a real big fan of making women wait too long before calling them in order to make it seem like you have a really busy social life or something -- I think women get a pretty good sense of whether or not you're some big time player from the moment they first meet you.   Calling the next day is fine, but it's more what you say on the phone and your attitude when you talk to her that is more important than any actual waiting period.

For one thing, make sure you keep these calls rather brief -- your best effect on a woman is always in person when you can use kino, attitude and other non-verbal signals to convey how you desire her as a man.   The phone doesn't do this very good, and e-mail is even worse because whatever you write tends to make you sound desperate.   Make a few jokes, getting her feeling good about herself and upbeat in general about your calling her, then make the pitch for the date -- making sure you have something specific in mind.

After you set things up, make a few more comments that will build the anticipation and then end it -- don't get all buddy-buddy or blabby-blabby with her like she's a done deal.   Until you've had sex with a woman, you're not near any stage yet where you can spill out all your problems, or let her see your more grumpy side or tell her about that big beautiful dump you took this morning.   Male mystery is an overlooked component of the equation of seduction, preserve it for as long as you can!

Even more critical than all this however is how you set up this call with the first impression that you made (or failed to make) on her back when you first met her.   Women are all about that first spark of chemistry and connection when you first meet them, more so than men.   Women can sort of grow on us guys over time even if we didn't think they were all that hot at first, but men do not seem to "grow" on women in a similar way.   They got you pegged as a stud or a dud within about 90 seconds of first meeting you.   If you show a desire for them (without going overboard and becoming supplicant) and some excitement for having met her AND build up some anticipation for what could be coming, then you'll have lit that spark (IF you're also her "type", something which can't be controlled beyond doing those things that I just described).

If you fail to light her up and get a little bit of a buzz going when you first meet a woman, there's almost no sense in bothering to get her number and even call her -- as your first impression will not have created any momentum for your call to build upon.   This is important: you don't make the sale on the phone... you pick up an already promising sales job in progress where you left off. If your first impression of her was flat, it leaves you grasping with nowhere to go.

You want to try to get a chick thinking about you when you're apart from her -- spending time building you up in her mind.   This is what supports your "male aura" until you can see her again.   So that first impression has to really have had an impact on her.   If she seems unenthusiastic to see you again when you call, then you know that you failed to make this initial "spark of chemistry" sort of impression on her in the first place.  It's very hard to recover from this.   Meeting women isn't just about standing around in shopping malls handing out 100's of business cards and "playing the odds" -- you have to focus on each one and establish an emotional connection in some way.   The impression you make has to be customized for each one almost, although there are some common elements that can be learned.

Mike, how do High Status Males communicate with their work bosses?  How about when their bosses are yelling and screaming at them?  How about when the boss says, "come into my office so I can give you a piece of my mind?"  WTF?

Thanks,
John

An HSM gets himself out of that situation pronto, because it's corrosive to his mental health and confidence.  It's called a resignation.

Sometimes you have to put your own dignity and a determination not to let some prick subject you to that sort of routine humiliation ahead of making money.  This is why you should always have a stash of "fuck you" cash in the bank if you can manage it so that at no point in your life are you completely at the mercy of some cocksucker like this, and you can tide yourself through a job change and some unemployed down time.   If you don't have it anything now and are trapped, then get to work on that stash right away... it's as important as owning a car or a house.  This gives you a degree of freedom and maneuvering room in your life so that you don't have to live it under someone's thumb like an asshole.

Owning a car or a house should only be this valuable!

Short of that, get in this guy's face and demand that you be treated with respect or you'll light his ass up.  Sometimes the threat of a little action can work wonders.  All bullies take the path of least resistance and will ply their trade wherever they can do so without consequence.   Well, make sure they figure out that when they fuck with YOU, there's going to be a consequence.  That's how you put a stop to all that shit.  One moment of courage can pay dividends for a lifetime.

Dear Mike,

I read your book Without Embarrassment and thought it was great.  I really need your advice on the following: when my ex-wife and I first started dating, she was all over me.  I was her "special guy" that you describe on page 33 of your book.   After all the typical bullshit issues people have with marriage, kids etc -- our relationship became non-existent, to the point where we finally divorced.   She then started dating a bad-boy for a year who completely abused her.   We are now "back together" on a trial period, but she is still cool to me and aloof.   Sex happens when she wants it, etc.
I play it cool and try not to beg for it, but I'm ready for a lot more action!

What is the best approach to ignite passion between us?  We have three kids so I'm not interested in dating other women.  Thanks in advance.

RD

Hi RD,

This is really more of a "resurrection" question than a seduction one, and I'm not a marriage counselor or anything like that, but I'll give you my own take based on what I know about women in general.  You won't find the politically correct guys telling you this sort of thing either.

Very simply, what happened here is that you lost the power struggle with this woman, you then crawled back to her and she accepted you.  Her probable motive is the issue here, because I'll bet she mostly felt it was the right thing to do for the kids sake -- which is great for them, but a lousy deal for you.   Here's why: despite what all these feminists and PC guys would have you believe, a woman can only maintain sexual desire for a man that she feels is dominant over her.   As much as their intellectual minds revolt against this Neanderthal idea, their "deep brain" has been programmed over millions of years to understand that "submission = sexy".   Period, plain and simple.   They get wet and "give it up" to men who they feel have come to dominate them in some manner, and THEY ARE CONTEMPTUOUS of men whom THEY are able to dominate over!   Their sex drive vanishes, in other words, in the presence of a non-aggressive male.  Guess who that is?

That's right, this guy is YOU.   This woman has lost all her sexual desire for you because she has won the battle of your marriage, and now she is in the dominant position of power.   Sorry to kick you in the nuts like this, but you can read psychology books until they come flying out your ass and this is really the only thing that you'll ever need to understand about the man-woman dynamic as it exists on planet earth.   All the rest of this Venus+Mars bullshit is fluff around the edges.

You have to do whatever it takes in your patched-up marriage to take back the power and become "the man" again... or, I believe one of two things will happen: 1) she will cheat on you with the first HSM guy to pass her way that gives her the chance to do so, or 2) you will be completely frosted sexually... nagged to death and pussy-whipped until you are nothing more than a burned out shell of your former self.   How you are going to accomplish this "turning of the tables" I can't tell you because only you know all about the complex issues that've grown between the two of you over the years... what buttons to push, etc.   But this is the task ahead of you now.   Maybe go SOFT with candlelight dinners and tantric lovemaking, maybe HARD with a knock down drag out fight (but be careful about becoming abusive, right?).   One way or another, you must have this face-down or you will die the slow death of the whipped married man.

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